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Dear Prudence,
I am a 42-year-old woman. For most of my life, maintaining a stable weight hasn’t been a problem. I exercise five days a week and generally eat healthy. My routine didn’t change, but since I turned 40, I’ve gained about 10 pounds a year. I’ve tried everything but can’t lose that weight unless I exercise every single day and keep to a very strict diet and eat the bare minimum of calories. Once I go back to my regular eating patterns, the weight comes back. I don’t have any underlying medical conditions; my doctor says it’s just a slower metabolism that comes with age. I have tried every diet under the sun, every exercise, hired a trainer, done a prescription weight loss program—nothing works. I was initially quite depressed about it, but I have recently come to the conclusion that this is me now, and I would rather live my life and be happy than miserable and dieting. The same exact thing happened to my mom around my age, so I suspect it may be hereditary.
The problem is my fiancé. He is on me constantly to lose weight. I have explained the situation to him several times and even brought him to the doctor’s office with me. I keep food diaries. I know I am not overeating, but he is the kind of man that can give up chocolate for a week and lose 10 pounds. He does not understand. He frequently pulls up pictures from when we first met and says how nice I looked. I understand that I have put on 30 pounds since we started dating, he has every right to be upset, but I just don’t think I can do what it takes to get back to being 30 pounds lighter. Should I be miserable and lose the weight to make him happy, or should I leave and find someone who will accept me as is?
—No More Yo-Yo
It sounds like you already know the answer to your own question based on the way you’ve phrased it to me in the last line of your letter. Frankly, even if you didn’t find someone else, I think being secure and happy on your own would be an improvement over a guy who constantly shoves old photos under your nose to remind you how disappointed he is in your metabolism and “mere” five-workouts-a-week regimen. I don’t even agree that he’s got a right to be upset with you for gaining weight, entering your 40s, and/or declining to make your dress size the No. 1 priority in your life, to the exclusion of any sense of moderation and pleasure. Once you reject the idea that he has “every right” to be angry with you for having a body that can’t run solely on self-denial and punishment, I think the idea of leaving a man who makes you miserable will suddenly feel a lot more achievable.
Help! My New Co-Worker Is a Man I Used to Bully in High School.Danny M. Lavery is joined by Matt Lubchansky on this week’s episode of the Dear Prudence podcast.
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Dear Prudence,
I moved to a new country a few years ago and struggled to make new friends. Most of my friends here are white, while I’m Black African, and we often struggle to find common ground. There have been difficult moments where someone’s touched my hair without permission or invited me to all-white events where I’ve felt ignored and othered. In each case, I’d bring up the issue carefully, and the women would apologize and promise to be more sensitive. I’m now pregnant. My friends have been helpful and provided lots of advice and support. Some have even given me old maternity clothes, baby clothes, high chairs, and a crib mattress. But in more than a few instances, these hand-me-downs were damaged or badly stained. This has left me feeling torn between gratitude for their generosity and anger for what seems like a lack of consideration.
What should I do? I don’t make nearly as much money as these women and have struggled to find full-time employment since I moved here. I’m glad to be getting so many items that I would normally be unable to afford. But I’m upset at what looks like another instance of my friends’ cluelessness. Is this a cultural thing I’m being overly sensitive about? Or should I say something and risk another awkward conversation, where I will likely end up downplaying my feelings and soothing them so they don’t feel bad about themselves? These women are otherwise sweet and are even planning a baby shower for me, so I don’t want to risk alienating them.
—Insensitive or Racist?
I don’t know what country you’re in now or what culture these white women belong to that might possibly provide useful context for the state of these hand-me-downs, so I won’t try to speak to that. But you have every right to reject damaged or unusable gifts. It’s one thing to accept a few slightly worn onesies and another to be expected to let your baby sleep on a torn, stained mattress. That doesn’t mean you have to sign up for another draining round of explaining benevolent racism to your friends if you don’t want to, especially if you worry it will end in another round of reassuring them that no, you don’t think they’re bad people, that they had the absolute best of intentions, and … and so on, ad infinitum.
All you have to do is let each gifter know that you appreciated her thoughtfulness but unfortunately won’t be able to use the item because when you got home you realized it was damaged (or torn or stained), and would they like to have it back or would they prefer you just got rid of it for them? This doesn’t offer them something to deny or argue about with you; it’s a simple statement of fact that their gift is unusable, while also offering them the polite cover of “I’m sure you had no idea—I didn’t notice myself until I opened it up at home.” If even that sounds like more effort than you’d like to extend, you can just quietly get rid of whatever you can’t use and make a list of what you still need for whoever’s throwing the baby shower for you. I do hope you’re able to lean on your extended social network, far away as they may be right now, so that you have at least some emotional support to fall back on if things with this particular group of women grow too fraught. And keep in mind that you are entitled to discuss your feelings about racism with them at any point. But if you decide you’d rather preserve your energy for something else, or don’t trust them to respond honestly and nondefensively, you’re allowed to take a step back. It’s not a question of being excessively or insufficiently sensitive. It’s a question of how much you want to invest in these relationships and when you need to conserve your emotional resources.
Dear Prudence,
My roommate “Claire” originally seemed like a great fit, but it quickly turned into a mini-nightmare, from the relatively minor (left her dishes in the sink for days) to real problems (was a neglectful pet owner). I tried to resolve these issues multiple times, with no results. Finally, I mentioned the pet problems to our landlord, who said Claire needed to remove the animal from the premises. Claire packed up and moved to her parents’ within three days.
In the week since, I’ve noticed that some of my cookware is missing. She denies taking it, but in the past she has bragged about shoplifting. Also, where else could a bunch of pans have gone? I’m a grad student, and I could replace my cookware, but it would definitely hurt my budget. Meanwhile, the electric bill was in her name, and I’m thinking about withholding the money it would cost to replace what’s missing from what I repay her for the bill. We’re talking about $50. It would be hard for either one of us to stomach but isn’t going to make either of us homeless. Should I suck it up and pay her, or is it reasonable to withhold the money?
—Roommate From Hell
The most important thing is to get the electric bill transferred to you or to open a new one at the same address in your name, if that’s possible. As long as you’re living somewhere that she can potentially get the electricity shut off due to nonpayment or vindictiveness or indifference, it’s best not to unnecessarily antagonize her. If you already have that sorted out or believe you can do so without her cooperation, and you want to let her know you’re withholding your share of the electric bill to cover the cooking equipment she took with her, go for it. You don’t have to phrase it as a question or something she needs to deny or admit to, just as a matter-of-fact transaction that balances out your shared expenses. The odds she’s going to take you to small court over $50 is small, but that’s something you should also take into consideration. If you think she’d be willing to dig her heels in and make your life difficult over that $50, it might be easier to just swallow the expense and consider yourself well rid of her.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
More Advice From Care and FeedingMy husband and I split up last year, and we have joint legal custody of our 13- and 15-year-old daughters. When they’re at their dad’s house, he lets them watch TV shows I believe are inappropriate for them: Sex and the City, Mindhunter, and Game of Thrones. He refuses to discuss this with me. What are my options?
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