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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and it is absolute bliss, from the great communication to our level of comfort and familiarity with each other and our bodies to the mind-blowing sex. We now live together and are quarantining together in the wake of COVID-19, and while things are uncertain right now, we are financially and emotionally stable and happy.
In the bedroom, I want for nothing, as my partner is very enthusiastic about reciprocating pleasure and listening to each other. Since quarantining, I have noticed that a recurring fantasy pops into my head either before or during sex: a fantasy involving one of his best friends, specifically me getting “spit-roasted” by my boyfriend and this friend. It usually comes to mind when my boyfriend is going down on me, but once he’s inside me, I’m fully enjoying the moment, and the fantasy disappears. I know intuitively that fantasies are often just that. Fantasizing about a particular sex act doesn’t automatically mean I’m game for it or that I’m somehow betraying the lovely dynamic I have with my boyfriend in bed with these thoughts, but I will admit that I do find this friend very attractive. I’ve found him attractive since I met him. I’ve found myself checking him out occasionally when he’s been over to visit our place or when we’re all out at a bar, and I do catch myself scrolling through his social media profiles somewhat often. I’m on really good terms with this friend, and my partner has known him since high school (we’re all in our mid-20s).
My boyfriend has made it clear that threesomes will never be something he’s game for due to past experiences, and I totally respect that, so having this actually come to fruition is off the table (which I’m completely fine with). What do I make of this fantasy? Is it just quarantine dialing up my sex drive, or do I have the makings of a crush on my boyfriend’s best friend on my hands?
—Too Friendly
Dear Too Friendly,
What you make of this fantasy is that your boyfriend has a hot friend and you’ve noticed. As much as people like to pretend that love inoculates us from so much as finding someone other than our partner attractive, the truth is rarely so simple. From personal experience, I can assure you that indulging in such desires won’t necessarily distract you from your relationship any more than a deep conversation with a close, platonic friend might. There are so many ways of connecting, and being committed hardly means boarding yourself up in a tower where you can only set eyes the person that you love. (I mean, under normal, nonquarantined circumstances, of course.) Novelty is highly attractive in general and specifically when it comes to sex (conversely, its absence can play a role in the “dead bedroom” issues many long-term couples face). I think what it comes down to is that sex is fun, and some of us find sex with multiple people, at the same time even, enjoyable.
Maybe you have a crush on this friend of a boyfriend—there’s a fine line between attraction and a crush, and clearly the parameters of each vary person to person. You have a good sense of your partner’s boundaries, as well as the difference between fantasy and reality, so I wouldn’t worry about this too much either way. Indulge in the fantasy when you want, and keep counting on it being off the table unless your boyfriend indicates otherwise. You’re fine and, it seems, emotionally mature for your age. Good job being you.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 20-year-old college student quarantining with my parents, and I am unbearably horny. I’m monogamous and have been with the same person for almost two years; she is also with her parents. When we’re together, our sex life is everything I could ask for, but during quarantine it’s fizzled to almost nothing. Since we’re both in relatively small spaces with parents, we don’t feel comfortable getting sexy on the phone/FaceTime. We sext fairly regularly, but while my partner seems to be into it (sending me pics of her getting wet, etc.), it does nothing for me. I want to have sexytimes with my partner, but I feel like I’m a dead end. Are there other ways to get sexy without being clocked by my parents, or am I doomed to celibacy for the next few months?
—Prying Parents
Dear Prying Parents,
Wanting to have sex (in the pandemic-expanded sense) without using the available vehicles (screens, in other words) is like wanting to fly without using a plane. Want all you want, but it’s not gonna happen (but if you do concoct something out of wax, don’t get too close to the sun, Kid Icarus). Save some variations on screen-based sexual exchanges (like love letters and erotica), what you’ve listed is what you have to work with. If that isn’t working, it isn’t working. Keep in mind that researchers have seen lockdown affect both sides of the horny divide: It seems to be making some people more interested in sex and some way less. I wonder if you’re experiencing a dip through no fault of your own, in which case any attempt at stimulation could prove futile. Check in with yourself and take note of your masturbatory habits. Sit tight, you two will reunite someday.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in my mid-20s, and since I was a teenager, I’ve nearly exclusively masturbated to written erotica about underage brother/brother and father/son incest. There has been a lot of discourse about whether or not these kind of kinks perpetuate the real-life abuse of children, but I feel extremely disconnected from those conversations, as I have never once even slightly desired to have sex with a minor or to have any kind of incestuous relationship.
As far as I have experienced in this community in the last decade (and I’m must admit, this question is all in the context of fan fiction about a TV show), the writers of these erotic stories are also women with similar views as me—but within the broader community, this kind of writing is accused of directly harming children and promoting child pornography.
From what I know from news stories about real-life incest and the people who actually sexually abuse children, fan fiction has never once been mentioned as a relevant factor or as tool for grooming. So, basically, what I’m asking is that is it unethical to read about this kind of incest to get off? Even if the situations I read about I would consider absolutely immoral in real life? I have never strongly believed that what I’m doing has contributed to harming children, but I really wanted to hear an outside perspective on this. Basically, are there any kinks that are too immoral to even read about?
—Anxious Reader
Dear Anxious Reader,
This is one of those questions that thrives in gray areas and is fascinating (at least as an outsider) for doing so. Because what you present is so hairy, I’ve elected the help of not one but two sources for perspectives. Paul Fedoroff is the director of the Sexual Behaviours Clinic in Ottawa, Ontario, which treats people with problematic sexual interests and behaviors (such as pedophilia). He’s also the author of the recent book The Paraphilias: Changing Suits in the Evolution of Sexual Interest Paradigms. In an email, Fedoroff pointed out that you could be breaking the law—the stories that you describe are illegal in Canada, for example. “Law enforcement do monitor fan fiction sites,” wrote Fedoroff. “I have had patients who were arrested in international sweeps because their contact information was found on the computer of a sex offender who also visited the fan fiction site.” In 2001, a man named Brian Dalton was sentenced to 10 years in prison over writings in his journal that depicted child sex abuse—because he was living in Ohio, he had violated state law, which defines “child pornography” generally as “material,” instead of specifically as “imagery,” as other states do. His case, though, was eventually dismissed. The 2007 case against Karen Fletcher was prompted by similar writing; she pleaded guilty and was sentenced to five years’ probation.
Fedoroff said the writing you describe has indeed been used to facilitate crimes, but “most people who use child pornography do not proceed to in-person offenses.” Since you state that you don’t desire to perpetuate the sex crimes you read about, “the question arises about whether it is a good idea to limit sexual fantasies to themes that she finds upsetting and shameful,” wrote Fedoroff. “Contrary to popular myths, sexual fantasies can be modified.” It’s up to you if you want to pursue that.
I also discussed your question with Justin Lehmiller, psychologist, Kinsey Institute research fellow, and the author of Tell Me What You Want. That book shared the findings of a large-scale study of Americans’ sexual fantasies, and 1 out of 5 participants reported having some sort of incest fantasy at some point. However, the percentage of respondents who had recurring fantasies about incest was in the low single digits.
Like Fedoroff, Lehmiller said that it certainly happens that people with deviant or illicit fantasies never act on them or even want to. I wondered, though, if there’s a slippery slope where fantasy (a mental image) begets desire (something you actually want to engage in), which then begets abuse. “I’ve heard a lot of people make the argument that pornography desensitizes us and that the more porn we consume, the more extreme the content that we need to go to in order to get off because we’ve become habituated to everything else. The research doesn’t really support that idea,” Lehmiller told me by phone. In fact, he said that some longitudinal studies have found a decrease in extreme content consumption over time, and thus, “I’m not convinced based on the data that just because someone is watching an extreme form of porn that that’s going to lead them to have to go a layer deeper and get even more extreme in the future.”
As to your final, more philosophical question about whether some kinks are too immoral even to read about, Lehmiller had this to say: “What I have learned through my years of work as a sex educator and researcher is that the range of things that turns people on is incredibly wide and diverse and that there are some people who are really turned on by the most extreme taboos that are out there. The question is: What are the risks here in terms of people engaging with them? If it’s just in the realm of fantasy and there’s no desire to act on it in the real world, it’s probably not something that we need to be overly concerned with. If the person is at risk for acting out these deviant things, that’s when society really needs to be concerned.”
This is a really tough one, because there is a theoretical reality in which people enjoy this sort of writing and no harm is ever done, in a similar way that peace-loving people enjoy horror movies depicting a wide range of suffering and violence. I don’t want to judge you unduly, but I do encourage you to mediate on your final question. Is repeatedly going to dark places in your sexual fantasies healthy for you?
Dear How to Do It,
I am currently third trimester pregnant and married to a wonderful partner. I have felt great during my pregnancy, but have had no libido to speak of for months. My partner has been amazing throughout and has never pressured me for sex, although offered many times that he is more than ready and eager to get down with this preggo bod. He clearly finds my current state very appealing and makes me feel wanted and beautiful. I like my pregnant body and actually feel very attractive at the moment in my current state. I would like nothing more than to give him the hot pregnant sex he desires! The problem is, I have absolutely no desire for sex right now. Masturbation doesn’t even sound good right now (and that usually always sounds good to me). We have maintained a lot of physical closeness (think lots of kissing, snuggles, and cuddles) but anything outside of that makes me feel stressed and anxious. This is our first baby, and it has been very stressful going through this pregnancy during a global pandemic. I feel like sex has now been added to my long list of “to do” items that are all at a screeching halt and which I have no mental energy to accomplish.
I have no physical reason not to have sex right now, it is more in my head along with all the crazy hormones that leave me exhausted. I know counselors often recommend starting the sex-having process and hope that the desire catches up during the act, but that also sounds pretty tedious at the moment. Do I just fake it until I make it? Am I just being sex lazy? I have noticed lots of errant boners popping up lately, so I know dear partner is itching for some lovin’. How do I push past the exhaustion, anxiety, and lack of desire to get in the mood for this wonderful, sexy, and VERY patient person?
—Libido on Lockdown
Dear Libido on Lockdown,
I believe that the societal imperative is to defer to the person who is with child. Seeing as you are currently creating life with your body, this is your call to make. Pregnancy can affect libido, and so can a society-collapsing pandemic (see above), and so it’s not at all strange to read that you are currently without a sex drive. As you mention, I’ve certainly heard experts encouraging people to initiate sex even if you aren’t horny, in the hope that desire will catch up to your body. If it isn’t too much trouble, you could give that a try. But it seems like it will be too much trouble? You’re in your third trimester, which means there’s not a lot of time left anyway. Take advantage of your wonderful husband’s patience and do what feels right for you. You seem like a wonderful, considerate partner, but he’ll be fine. This is your time.
—Rich
More How to Do ItI live in a small apartment in New York City, and I’m currently “sheltering in place”/self-isolating with my family (husband, two small kids). I was sent home from my job that I love, with no idea if or when they will ever reopen. My parents fall in the coronavirus “at risk” category of 60+ with underlying conditions. I, myself, have a rare lung condition, and I don’t know if that puts me in a higher risk group, too. So, having said all that, I’m struggling with thoughts of existential anxiety 24/7 and have zero libido. My husband, while largely in the same boat, does not have this problem and his sex drive is as high as ever. He thinks I should try to take my mind off things, and the best way to do that is with an orgasm. I think the odds of me orgasming right now are … zero. I can’t turn my brain off. Even during foreplay, I find myself worrying about my parents dying, worrying about the upcoming bills we have with only one income, worrying about going grocery shopping and contracting COVID-19, even if we take precautions. I feel guilty for denying my high-sex-drive husband sex, but I just don’t know how to relax enough to enjoy myself while we’re staying inside for the next weeks during this pandemic.
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