Why is Betelgeuse fading? No one knows. Betelgeuse, one of the brightest and most recognized stars in the night sky, is only half as bright as it used to be only five months ago. Such variability is likely just normal behavior for this famously variable supergiant, but the recent dimming has rekindled discussion on how long it may be before Betelgeuse does go supernova. Known for its red color, Betelgeuse is one of the few stars to be resolved by modern telescopes, although only barely. The featured artist's illustration imagines how Betelgeuse might look up close. Betelgeuse is thought to have a complex and tumultuous surface that frequently throws impressive flares. Were it to replace the Sun (not recommended), its surface would extend out near the orbit of Jupiter, while gas plumes would bubble out past Neptune. Since Betelgeuse is about 700 light years away, its eventual supernova will not endanger life on Earth even though its brightness may rival that of a full Moon. Astronomers -- both amateur and professional -- will surely continue to monitor Betelgeuse as this new decade unfolds. via NASA https://ift.tt/2SHw3Yt
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Episode Notes
Virginia Heffernan talks to Olivia Nuzzi of New York magazine about her coverage of Donald Trump, Rudolph Giuliani, and reporting on presidential candidates and New York characters.
Podcast production by Melissa Kaplan. Engineering help from June Thomas.
Former Nissan chairman Carlos Ghosn is escorted as he walks out of the Tokyo Detention House following his release on bail in Tokyo on April 25, 2019.
BEHROUZ MEHRI/Getty Images
The year is ending with a big mystery. How on earth did Carlos Ghosn, the former Nissan chairman who was under house arrest in Japan, manage to flee to Lebanon? No one really knows for sure. And there is one factor that makes the mystery even more mysterious: Ghosn’s lawyer insists he still has all of his client’s three—French, Lebanese, and Brazilian—passports. So, how did Ghosn manage it? By hiding inside the case of a musical instrument. At least that is according to one report by Lebanese TV news network MTV.
According to that version of events, a band arrived at his home in Tokyo, where he was awaiting trial. The 65-year-old then reportedly slipped inside an empty musical instrument case and was taken to a small local airport where he had a better chance of not being recognized. There, he slipped into a private plane that flew him to Istanbul, where he changed plans and went on yet another private plane to Lebanon, where he arrived Monday.
France’s Le Monde said the escape was planned by Ghosn’s wife Carole and that it involved using an ID card to get into Beirut. Others, however, insist Ghosn had a fake passport, with some identifying that fake document as a French passport. Amid speculation that the powerful former executive may have been able to skirt immigration in Lebanon, officials in Beirut insisted they had no idea how Ghosn left Japan but assured that he entered the country legally. “There are no plans to take any measures against him or subject him to legal action,” according to a statement from the country’s General Security, the force tasked with managing the country’s border. Lebanon does not have an extradition treaty with Japan. Internet sleuths quickly got to working and found private jet flight information on aircraft that could support the contention that Ghosn arrived in Lebanon via Turkey.
For now, his lawyer says he’s as much in the dark as anybody else. Junichiro Hironaka said he was “surprised and baffled” when he heard the news on television. “It would have been difficult for him to do this without the assistance of some large organization,” Hironaka said. “I want to ask him, ‘How could he do this to us?’”
Ghosn has insisted he is innocent but said he could not face a fair trial in Japan on charges of financial misconduct. “I have not fled justice,” Ghosn said in an emailed statement Tuesday. “I have escaped injustice and political persecution.”
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Sen. Susan Collins and Sen. Lisa Murkowski walk together as they arrive to a closed-door lunch meeting of GOP Senators at the U.S. Capitol, October 3, 2018 in Washington, D.C.
Drew Angerer/Getty Images
Sen. Susan Collins of Maine became the second Republican senator to criticize Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for saying that he was in “total coordination” with the White House on the impeachment trial. Speaking with Maine Public Radio, Collins said that senators on both sides of the aisle were espousing “inappropriate” behavior and she specifically named McConnell and Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
“It is inappropriate, in my judgment, for senators on either side of the aisle to prejudge the evidence before they have heard what is presented to us, because the each of us will take an oath, an oath that I take very seriously to render impartial justice. That’s what it says, impartial justice,” Collins said. “And I have heard Democrats like Elizabeth Warren, saying that the President should be impeached, found guilty, and removed from office. I’ve heard the Senate majority leader saying that he’s taking his cues from the White House. There are senators on both sides of the aisle, who, to me, are not giving the appearance of and the reality of judging that’s in an impartial way.”
Earlier this month, Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska said she was “disturbed” by McConnell’s comments on how he was coordinating strategy with the White House. “When I heard that, I was disturbed,” Murkowski told KTUU last week. “We have to take that step back from being hand in glove with the defense, and so I heard what leader McConnell had said, I happened to think that that has further confused the process.”
Collins also said that she is “open” to calling witnesses in the trial, although she said it would be “premature to decide who should be called” until the evidence is presented. Democrats have stepped up their call for witnesses after a New York Times report detailing how Trump’s order to put a hold on Ukraine aid was handled within the White House. “Simply put: In our fight to have key documents and witnesses in a Senate impeachment trial, these new revelations are a game-changer,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said at a news conference on Monday. McConnell has said the trial should not include witnesses.
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Filled with almost 3,600 pounds of valuable scientific experiments and other cargo, a SpaceX Dragon resupply spacecraft is set to leave the International Space Station Sunday, Jan. 5. NASA Television and the agency’s website will broadcast its departure live beginning at 9:15 p.m. EST.
December 31, 2019
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Kevin McCarthy and Edgar Stehli in The Twilight Zone.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by CBS.
When it comes to The Twilight Zone, it’s hard for a newcomer to fully appreciate classic installments like “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” or “Time Enough At Last” without feeling like they’ve seen it all before. The twists from these episodes have been television staples for so long now that they’re not so much iconic as they are idiomatic: Witness how everyone from Stephen King to political columnists to ordinary civilians has compared Trump’s capricious White House firings to a telekinetic child tyrant “wishing” his terrified plenary subjects “into the cornfield,” a reference to a Twilight Zone episode that premiered 58 years ago this past November. Whether first encountered in reruns, New Year’s Eve marathons, remakes, or parodies, highlights from the famous anthology TV series are too permanently ensconced in the American imagination to provide the fresh sense of dread that any good introduction to The Twilight Zone ought to deliver.
That’s why a viewer’s first foray into Rod Serling’s fifth dimension should begin with one of the series’ equally eerie but underrated masterpieces. And you can’t do much better than the supernatural chamber piece “Long Live Walter Jameson,” an entry from the back half of the show’s first season that still manages to feel resonant today in the #MeToo era. Walter Jameson is a college history professor with a knack for making his subjects come alive in the lecture hall. The secret to his pedagogical success, as his colleague and soon-to-be father-in-law Samuel Kittridge is shocked to discover, is that Jameson has lived through most of the history he teaches over the past 2,500-some-odd years of a perversely immortal life.
Professor Kittridge, who hopes that his daughter Susanna will soon finish her own Ph.D., is horrified that Jameson plans to make Susanna the next in his many centuries of temporary housewives. Predictably, the professor has some trouble convincing his daughter that she’s caught in a supernatural May-December relationship with a man whose birth predates the invention of the western calendar system.
The episode was written by Charles Beaumont, one of the notable science fiction and horror writers to have contributed to The Twilight Zone, who is maybe best remembered for having written the classic episode “The Howling Man.” (His imprimatur on the show’s sensibility was strong enough that some of his short stories were later adapted into episodes of the doomed 1980s revival series.) Like many #MeToo stories, “Long Live Walter Jameson” is, as Serling describes it in his opening narration, “a nightmare, one not restricted to witching hours of dark, rainswept nights.” Thanks to an unknown alchemist from back in Europe’s Iron Age, Walter Jameson has lived over two millennia as a perfectly debonair silver fox, forever on the cusp of middle age.
In that time, he’s become a serial predator whose most pernicious criminal act has been to convince youthful victims that he too is a mere mortal, ultimately to deceive them into devoting the best years of their lives to him, then leaving them before they learn the truth of his immortality. One of the script’s smartest narrative dodges is that Jameson seems to barely remember, much less care about, the details of how he came to be immortal, nor has he kept track of the wives and children he’s abandoned. He moves compulsively forward through time, a self-described coward too self-involved and ravenous to admit what he really is: a monster.
“Long Live Walter Jameson” deserves credit for expertly conveying the occult menace of grooming as a prelude to sexual abuse and manipulation in age-inappropriate relationships — well over a decade before “grooming” became an established concept in the criminal psychology literature and a full 16 years before Anne Rice published Interview with the Vampire. What elevates the episode from merely being a good take on a classic “be careful what you wish for” premise is both Beaumont’s layered script and Kevin McCarthy’s commanding performance as Jameson.
McCarthy approaches the character with a level of charisma and self-assuredness that makes his Jameson so convincing you have to keep reminding yourself how a craven and manipulative he really is. (McCarthy, incidentally, is probably best known for playing Dr. Miles Bennell in the original 1956 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and it’s fun to see him here playing against that role: The gaslighted doctor, racing into oncoming traffic with dire warnings about alien doppelgängers, returns as the gaslighter.) Jameson’s final lie might not register as the most horrifying moment of the story’s climax upon first viewing, but it will stay with you as an act of self-delusion so grandiose and believable that its creepiness lingers on far after the supernatural scares have worn off.
A nontrivial flaw in the plot’s construction is that Susanna Kittridge is not given especially active role in the otherworldly drama unfolding around her, but the third-act twist in “Long Live Walter Jameson”—which I won’t spoil here—helps balance out that moderately regressive feature. Viewers who feel overwhelmed by the ceaseless news of real-world men behaving badly might prefer to start with one of the other equally underappreciated deep cuts from The Twilight Zone’s 156-episode run. Season 5’s “The Old Man in the Cave,” a post-apocalyptic morality play with a magnetic performance by James Coburn, would be an excellent swap, and the show still has some unsung prescient bits of science fiction, like automation farce “The Brain Center at Whipple’s.”
Still, few episodes are so criminally underappreciated and make such a persuasive case for the Twilight Zone’s enduring relevance as “Long Live Walter Jameson.” Kittridge, briefly overtaken by the prospect of learning the secret to immortality for himself, nicely sums up the truly scary (and slightly embarrassing) truth at the center of the episode. “I thought, if a man lived forever, he’d grow wiser,” Kittridge says, “but that isn’t true, is it?”
Available to stream on Hulu.
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Two Mobile Police Department officers pose with their “quilt” in a photo posted on Facebook on Dec. 29, 2019.
Facebook/Eduardo Romero
The Mobile Police Department in Alabama issued an apology after a Facebook post went viral showing two of its officers posing for a photo next to a “homeless quilt” made up of carboard signs that had been confiscated from panhandlers. “Wanna wish everybody in 4th precinct a Merry Christmas, especially our captain. Hope you enjoy our homeless quilt! Sincerely, Panhandler patrol,” the original Facebook post from Sunday read. It has since been deleted.
The photo was reposted and quickly went viral as many expressed shock that anyone could have ever thought this was a good idea.
The photo appears to have been taken inside a police station and a “Blue lives matter” flag can be seen behind the officers. AL.com identified the officers as Preston McGraw and Alexandre Olivier, two recent graduates of the Mobile Police Academy.
Mobile Police Chief Lawrence Battiste issued an apology on behalf of the department. “As a police department entrusted with serving and protecting our community, we offer our sincerest apology for the insensitive gesture of a Facebook post by two of our officers,” Battiste said. “Although we do not condone panhandling and must enforce the city ordinances that limit panhandling, it is never our intent or desire as a police department to make light of those who find themselves in a homeless state.” The incident is now under review and the department still has not determined whether the officers will face any disciplinary action.
Under a controversial law in 2010, panhandling is only allowed outside of the downtown area. The Mobile Police Department has made 63 arrests this year involving illegal panhandling.
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Bone Densitometer (BD): The crew completed on-board Training for upcoming operations. Approximately the size of a consumer microwave oven, the Bone Densitometer uses X-rays to measure the bone mineral density (and the lean and fat tissue) of mice living aboard the ISS. As a result, researchers hope to develop medical technology that will combat bone …
December 31, 2019 at 12:00AM
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NASA researchers will present new findings on a wide range of astrophysics and other space science topics at the 235th Meeting of the American Astronomical Society, Saturday, Jan. 4, through Wednesday, Jan. 8, in Honolulu.
December 31, 2019
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Members the Hashed al-Shaabi, a mostly Shiite network of local armed groups trained and armed by powerful neighbour Iran, smash the bullet-proof glass of the US embassy’s windows in Baghdad with blocks of cement after breaching the outer wall of the diplomatic mission on December 31, 2019 to vent their anger over weekend air strikes that killed pro-Iran fighters in western Iraq.
AHMAD AL-RUBAYE/Getty Images
Dozens of militia members and their supporters burst into the heavily guarded U.S. Embassy compound in Baghdad and set fires while chanting “Death to America” to protest U.S. airstrikes carried out Sunday against three camps in Iraq and two in Syria. The American airstrikes killed 24 members of an Iranian-backed militia, the Kataeb Hezbollah, in retaliation for last week’s killing of an American contractor in a rocket attack on an Iraqi military base. President Donald Trump issued an angry response to the protests and blamed Iran for the storming of the U.S. embassy compound. “Iran killed an American contractor, wounding many,” Trump tweeted. “We strongly responded, and always will. Now Iran is orchestrating an attack on the U.S. Embassy in Iraq. They will be held fully responsible. In addition, we expect Iraq to use its forces to protect the Embassy, and so notified!”
American guards fired tear gas to try to keep protesters back. At least initially the protesters, many of whom were wearing militia uniforms, did not enter the main embassy buildings and withdrew from the compound to rejoin the thousands of protesters who were outside to protest the U.S. action. Some of those protesters erected tents as some said they would continue protesting indefinitely until all U.S. diplomats and troops leave the country.
Although no casualties were reported, it was still one of the worst attack on the embassy in recent years. Iraqi security forces did not really make an effort to prevent the protesters from entering the embassy compound but later “took steps to prevent them going farther inside the facility only after an Iraqi army commander arrived and ordered them to do so,” reports the Washington Post. The way the protesters were able to storm one of the most heavily guarded areas of Baghdad “suggested that they had received at least tacit permission from Iraqi security officials sympathetic to their demands,” notes the New York Times.
The lack of immediate action by Iraqi security forces illustrates just how big of a crisis has been sparked by the U.S. airstrikes on Sunday that have managed to fan the flames of anti-Americanism while giving Iran an upper hand for influence in the country. The airstrikes didn’t just anger the militia but also the Iraqi government that it called a “flagrant violation” of its sovereignty. Iraq’s caretaker Prime Minister Adel Abdul-Mahdi told Cabinet members Monday that he tried to stop the airstrikes but was unsuccessful due to “insistence” from U.S: officials. He also declared three days of mourning for the victims of the airstrikes.
As tensions rise between the United States and Iran, proxy battles in the region seem likely to increase, explained Slate’s Joshua Keating on Monday. “Because both the U.S. and Iran are so deeply enmeshed in Iraqi politics, it may well turn out to be ground zero for this conflict,” Keating wrote.
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Illustrations by Lisa Larson Walker, Franco Zacharzewski, Natalie Matthews-Ramo, and Sarula Bao.
Future Tense started experimenting with publishing science fiction in 2016 and 2017, but we really invested in it in 2018, publishing one story each month. That year was capped off by Annalee Newitz’s quirky and urgent “When Robot and Crow Saved East St. Louis,” which won the Theodore Sturgeon Memorial Award for the best short science fiction of the year. Our hope was that these glimpses into possible futures could provide a thought-provoking parallel to our coverage of emerging technology, policy, and society today, inviting us to imagine how the decisions we’re making today might shape the way we live tomorrow, illuminating key decision points and issues that we might not be giving enough attention.
In 2019, buoyed by the enthusiastic reactions of our readers, we published 12 stories by a diverse array of talented authors. Every story is paired with a response essay by an expert who provides additional context and delves into themes and challenges raised by the fiction—and each story comes with arresting original illustrations in a plethora of styles, from bracing realism to mind-bending abstraction and surrealism. Each quarter is organized around a broad theme, giving us the chance to create a dialogue among the pieces and underlining our conviction that the future is a spectrum of possibilities, shaped by our collective decisions—not a fait accompli or a foregone conclusion.
This October, we celebrated another milestone, publishing our first anthology, Future Tense Fiction: Stories of Tomorrow, with Unnamed Press. The book, which collects our short stories from 2016 through 2018, received starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and Kirkus. We launched the anthology with scintillating public conversations with fiction authors, experts, and others in Washington, San Francisco, New York, and Phoenix.
We’re more convinced than ever of the power of science fiction to expand our sense of empathy for people whose identities and day-to-day experiences are vastly different from our own—even beyond the bounds of what we currently consider human. This year, many of our authors grappled with issues of difference, exclusion, and inequality; with bullying and abusive behavior, from the schoolyard to the space station; with the dangers of alienation in digital spaces, and the opacity of technologies designed solely for profit; and with radical possibility and hope, from giant nutritious plants grown in space to entirely new forms of music and self-expression enabled by technological change. In a moment where the future seems impossibly turbulent, leaving us feeling powerless, science fiction can help us get our heads around the complexity, reminding us of the human minds, relationships, and problems buried under branding, hype, and jargon.
Future Tense Fiction will continue in 2020, with a new story, essay, and illustration each month. The first theme of the year (we couldn’t resist): politics.
“Thoughts and Prayers,” by Ken Liu: A family grieving in the wake of a mass shooting finds themselves in a maelstrom of abusive, inescapable trolling powered by cutting-edge artificial intelligence.
“Mpendulo: The Answer,” by Nosipho Dumisa: Two genetically modified young people navigate bullying and prejudice, and discover the secrets locked inside their DNA, in a world wracked by anxiety after a pandemic.
“The Arisen,” by Louisa Hall: A fairy tale from a future where “truth-checkers,” an elite caste implanted with chips that suppress emotion, are charged with sorting official fact from distortion and fiction.
“The Song Between Worlds,” by Indrapramit Das: An overprivileged teen dragged to Mars on a family vacation stumbles beyond the cushy confines of their resort and encounters an entirely new form of musical performance.
“Space Leek,” by Chen Qiufan: An astrobotanist for the China National Space Administration, assigned to a distant space station, contends with stifling family expectations while researching how to successfully grow food off-world—and deals with a sudden, deadly crisis.
“Zero in Babel,” by E. Lily Yu: In a world where on-demand and even DIY genetic modification is commonplace, a young woman struggles to keep up with the punishing cycle of high school trends.
“What the Dead Man Said,” by Chinelo Onwualu: A woman returns to her hometown in Nigeria after her father’s death, opening old wounds, in a future entirely reshaped by migration and climate chaos.
Response essay: “The Scars of Being Uprooted,” by journalist Valeria Fernández, who frequently covers immigration
“Double Spiral,” by Marcy Kelly: An at-home DNA testing company turns to targeted advertising after a privacy scandal and a spate of new regulations, and a researcher at the firm uncovers a shattering conspiracy.
“Affordances” by Cory Doctorow: People from all walks of life—from migrants and hapless teens to tech CEOs—find themselves in the clutches of terrible algorithms and search for ways to evade, confound, and even reclaim these technologies of oppression.
Response essay: “Not Just a Number,” by artist and educator Nettrice Gaskins
“A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Robot Walk Into a Bar,” by Andrew Dana Hudson: A rabbinical school dropout and a seminary dropout start a company that trains algorithms to be sensitive to issues of faith and belief—and find themselves in an escalating series of ethical conundrums.
“Actually Naneen,” by Malka Older: In a future where artificially intelligent nannies are the norm for the wealthy, a mother copes with complicated emotions when her family’s nanny becomes buggy and perhaps obsolete.
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum, Uptown Girls, Midsommar, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off are coming to streaming this month.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Lionsgate, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, A24, and Paramount Pictures.
Every month, tons of new movies and TV shows become available to stream for free for subscribers to Netflix Instant, HBO Now, Amazon Prime, and Hulu. With so many different streaming services, it can be hard to keep track of them all—especially if you belong to more than one. Below, we present to you the ultimate streaming guide. We’ll let you decide which service has the best new titles. (All titles arrive Jan. 1 unless otherwise specified.)
Netflix
The Original Kings of Comedy.
Paramount Pictures
Must Watch Kill Bill: Vol. 1 Kill Bill: Vol. 2 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Good Watch American Beauty 21 Catch Me If You Can Chasing Amy City of God Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Inception Julie & Julia Kingpin The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! The Original Kings of Comedy Pan’s Labyrinth The Ring (2002) Strictly Ballroom The Talented Mr. Ripley True Grit Up in the Air What Lies Beneath The Evil Dead (Jan. 10) The Master (Jan. 14) Steve Jobs (Jan. 16) The Bling Ring (Jan. 18) The Queen (Jan. 23) Nighthawks (Jan. 30)
Oompa Loompa Watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Binge Watch Good Girls Season 2
Family Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Dragonheart Free Willy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie
Nostalgia Watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Hitch Kate & Leopold Patriot Games
If You’re Bored A Cinderella Story Chloe Dinner for Schmucks Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer’s Curse Dragonheart: A New Beginning Drugs, Inc. Season 6 Ghost Rider Instructions Not Included Kiss the Girls Monster-in-Law The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear New York Minute Saint Seiya Seasons 4-5 Seal Team Six: The Raid on Osama Bin Laden Shrek Forever After Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze Wild Wild West Wyatt Earp Yes Man Betty White: First Lady of Television (Jan. 12) Big Fat Liar (Jan. 15) Tiny House Nation Volume 2 (Jan. 17) Playing with Fire Season 1 (Jan. 22) Country Strong (Jan. 27) We Are Your Friends (Jan. 27) Raising Cain (Jan. 30) American Assassin (Jan. 31)
Netflix Programming Dracula What the Love! With Karan Johar Ghost Stories Messiah Nisman: Death of a Prosecutor Spinning Out The Circle Sex, Explained: Limited Series (Jan. 2) Thieves of the World (Jan. 2) Anne with an E: The Final Season (Jan. 3) All the Freckles in the World (Jan. 3) Go! Go! Cory Carson (Jan. 4) Cheer (Jan. 8) AJ and the Queen (Jan. 10) Giri/Haji (Jan. 10) Harvey Girls Forever! Season 4 (Jan. 10) The Investigators Season 2 (Jan. 10) Medical Police (Jan. 10) Scissor Seven (Jan. 10) Until Dawn (Jan. 10) Zumbo’s Just Desserts Season 2 (Jan. 10) The Healing Powers of Dude (Jan. 13) Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (Jan. 14) Quien a hierro mata (Jan. 15) Grace and Frankie Season 6 (Jan. 15) NiNoKuni (Jan. 16) Ares (Jan. 17) Hip-Hop Evolution Season 4 (Jan. 17) Sex Education Season 2 (Jan. 17) Tyler Perry’s A Fall from Grace (Jan. 17) Vivir dos veces (Jan. 17) Wer kann, der kann! (Jan. 17) Family Reunion Part 2 (Jan. 20) Fortune Feistier: Sweet & Salty (Jan. 21) Word Party Season 4 (Jan. 21) Pandemic: How to Prevent an Outbreak (Jan. 22) The Ghost Bride (Jan. 23) October Faction (Jan. 23) SAINT SEIYA: Knights of the Zodiac Season 1 Part 2 (Jan. 23) A Sun (Jan. 24) Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Part 3 (Jan. 24) The Ranch: The Final Season (Jan. 24) Rise of Empires: Ottoman (Jan. 24) Vir Das: For India (Jan. 26) Alex Fernández: El mejor comediante del mundo (Jan. 28) Frères Ennemis (Jan. 29) Next in Fashion (Jan. 29) Night on Earth (Jan. 29) Omniscient (Jan. 29) Ainori Love Wagon: African Journey (Jan. 30) The Stranger (Jan. 30) 37 Seconds (Jan. 31) BoJack Horseman Season 6 (Part B) (Jan. 31) Diablero Season 2 (Jan. 31) I AM A KILLER Season 2 (Jan. 31) Luna Nera (Jan. 31) Ragnarok (Jan. 31)
HBO
Les Misérables.
Universal Pictures
Good Watch Arthur (1981) Fast Five (Extended Version) The Russia House The Shooting (1967) Shutter Island Sweet Dreams Teeth Thunderbolt and Lightfoot The Little Stranger (Jan. 7) John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (Jan. 11)
Family Watch Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted Mr. Holland’s Opus
Nostalgia Watch Spanglish
If You LikedTom Hooper’s Cats Les Miserables (2012) Cat People (1982)
If You’re Bored American Animals Another Stakeout Arthur 2: On the Rocks College (2008) Filly Brown Galaxy of Terror (1981) Head Office The Hitcher (1986) Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer Odd Jobs The Odd Couple II Rock the Kasbah Scary Movie 3 Seventh Son Stakeout Switch The Thing About My Folks Breakthrough (Jan. 2) The Aftermath (Jan. 4) Tolkien (Jan. 5) Godzilla: King of the Monsters (Jan. 18) The Curse of La Llorona (Jan. 25)
Season Premieres Mamon, Series Premiere (Jan. 6) The Outsider, Series Premiere (Jan. 12) The New Pope, Series Premiere (Jan. 13) Real Time With Bill Maher, Season 18 Premiere (Jan. 18) Avenue 5, Series Premiere (Jan. 19) Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 10 Premiere (Jan. 19)
Estrenos Casi famoso (AKA Almost Famous) Vaca Niña errante (AKA Wandering Girl) (Jan. 3) Tejano (Jan. 17)
Fighting With My Family.
Robert Viglasky/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures
Good Watch Amores Perros Arbitrage The Bellboy The Goonies The Patsy Pi Sherlock Holmes (2009) Swimming with Sharks The Tenant Midsommar (Jan. 3) The Skeleton Twins (Jan. 17) Miss Sloane (Jan. 19) Fighting with My Family (Jan. 30)
Nostalgia Watch Cinderfella Cube
Trek Watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Star Trek III: The Search for Spock Star Trek V: The Final Frontier Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country Star Trek: Insurrection Star Trek: The Motion Picture
If You’re Bored Captivity The Conspirator Crisscross Cube 2: Hypercube Cube Zero Dangerous Curves Danny Collins Dracula 3000 Drop Dead Sexy Edge Of Darkness The Final Cut Golden Gate Gone The Good Guy Kansas Knowing Last Rites Mystery Team P2 The Pom Pom Girls The Possession Shy People Unforgettable 10 Minutes Gone (Jan. 5) Conan the Barbarian (2011) (Jan. 6) American Dreamer (Jan. 8) Midnight Sun (Jan. 8) Meet Wally Sparks (Jan. 9) The Wedding Year (Jan. 10) The Prodigy (Jan. 23)
Amazon Originals Bug Diaries Season 1B (Jan. 3) Ilana Glazer: The Planet Is Burning (Jan. 3) James May: Our Man In Japan Season 1 (Jan. 3) Jayde Adams: Serious Black Jumper (Jan. 3) Just Add Magic: Mystery City Season 1 (Jan. 17) Russell Peters: Deported (Jan. 17) Rob Delaney: Jackie (Jan. 17) Troop Zero (Jan. 17) The Forgotten Army (Jan. 24) All Or Nothing: CBF Season 1 (Jan. 31) Ted Bundy: Falling For A Killer Season 1 (Jan. 31)
Honeyland.
Neon
Must Watch Eyes Wide Shut The French Connection
Good Watch Arbitrage The Bellboy M*A*S*H My Best Friend’s Wedding The Patsy Pi Swimming with Sharks The Tenant Two Family House Uptown Girls Raise Hell: The Life and Times of Molly Ivins (Jan. 2) The Art of Self Defense (Jan. 6) Little Men (Jan. 12) The Skeleton Twins (Jan. 17) Life, Animated (Jan. 19) Honeyland (Jan. 20) Luce (Jan. 27) Fighting with My Family (Jan. 30)
Binge Watch Brockmire Season 3 Damages Rescue Me Complete Series Justified Complete Series (Jan. 19) Chopped Seasons 32-35 (Jan. 22)
Family Watch How to Eat Fried Worms
Nostalgia Watch Cinderfella Cube
Trek Watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Star Trek III: The Search for Spock Star Trek V: The Final Frontier Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country Star Trek: Insurrection
If You Want to Visit the Uncanny Valley The Polar Express
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Episode Notes
How To! gave dozens of people advice this year about solving their problems. Now, we track a few of them down to see how our experts’ suggestions transformed their lives. We follow up with an actor trying to get buff like a superhero, a bachelor hoping to cook one perfect meal, a therapist who can’t fall asleep, an American expat who can’t decide where to live, and a former cop who suffers anxiety attacks. We discover a bunch of useful tips for achieving change that sticks—just in time for 2020.
Do you have a burning question or a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com.
Podcast production by Derek John and Rachael Allen.
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Danny is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. My boyfriend has sent nudes to over 100 people: I need advice on how to get over/get my mind off of something that my boyfriend did before we were dating. My boyfriend (male, 24) and I (male, 22) have been dating for five months. He just recently told me that he has sent nudes (pictures and videos) to over 100 people. This is in a span of a few years before we have been together, up to right before we started getting serious. He told me this less than a week ago, and it’s something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It is changing the way I view him and act toward him.
I knew he had sent nudes in the past. Right when we became “official,” he scrolled past a folder in his phone that had countless nude pictures and videos of other men. He deleted the folder, and I trust that he is not sending nudes anymore. What bothers me most is that 1) so many people have seen such a sensitive part of him; 2) if he sent it to that many people, odds are that there is some content of him online and still in the hands of many people; and 3) these people still follow him on social media, know who I am from his posts, and know that we are together.
I have never been one to openly send nudes to people, so I just don’t understand why he would want to do that to so many, even when single. The other day even, I scrolled past a nude photo of someone I don’t know on Twitter, and it turns out he has exchanged nudes with that person. That made it settle in for me how many people I might or might not come in contact with who have seen him like that. I really want to continue this relationship. He makes me happy, he is patient and understanding with me, and I believe I can trust him. I want to continue this relationship, but I don’t want to keep being miserable and keep thinking about how many people he has sent nudes to.
A: Before you and your boyfriend got serious, he was a single adult who enjoyed sharing photos of his body with other adults. I can understand how relationships can bring up fears and insecurities for anyone, and I don’t want to suggest the only possible response to your feelings is to berate yourself and get over it. But yes, strangers have seen your boyfriend’s naked body, and you cannot wipe their memories just because you are dating him now. It is also likely true that some of these strangers do not know he has a boyfriend. Some of those strangers may go on to post pictures of their own nude bodies. None of the people in question are doing anything wrong or seeking to get in the middle of your relationship. If you need to set stricter boundaries for your own Twitter/Instagram use in order to keep yourself from spiraling, please do so. If you want to tell your boyfriend that sometimes you feel insecure and that you need attention from him, please do so. But trying to resolve your own insecurities by attempting to clean-wipe his sexual history will never work; it won’t actually make you feel any safer, and it will only make him resent you. My fear here is that you believe your boyfriend has “too many” sexual options and as a result can’t really want you, and that your best course of action is to try to make him feel guilty for having enjoyed sending nudes so that he’s less likely to leave or cheat on you.
If the thing that bothers you the most is that “so many” people have seen him naked, I’m curious—what number of people that have seen him naked would have made you feel comfortable? What’s the correct number of people he should have sent nudes to? And what’s wrong with the number just above that? How is it changing the way you “view and act” toward him, and what are you hoping to get out of this new, changed behavior? Talk to him about your fears, certainly. But you’ll need to find a way to let go of your desire to control his past.
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Q. My aging dad is a long-winded bore: I’ve always been generally close with my family and really love them a lot. But I moved out of state for college 10 years ago and have lived far away from them ever since. My parents and siblings aren’t really the traveling type, and until recently I couldn’t afford to visit home every year. In the past few years, I’ve been able to visit a few times a year for a week at a time.
I’m pretty shocked at the dynamic that has developed among my family members. My parents are approaching 70 and are both retired and in somewhat poor health. My dad, a good guy and patient listener to me as a child, has become an incredibly irritating mansplainer. He seriously can’t participate in a conversation without spiraling out of control into a long-winded explanation of the subject at hand. For instance, I was just going over my timeline to return home with my mom, letting her know I needed to leave a bit early to grab dinner before returning my rental car. That simple note led to him explaining to us the traffic dynamics of our city, the great conspiracy of rental car companies scamming customers for damage claims, how airport security works, etc. I know it’s a stereotypical dad thing to lean into vigilance and over-preparedness, but this intensity is baffling. He does this with absolutely everything. If he were interrupting to speak over people or going off topic, I feel like I would be able to address it, but it’s more like he waits his turn in a conversation to deliver the most boring monologue that no one asked for. I talk to my mom on the phone a lot, and she agrees he’s tiresome but doesn’t think there’s anything to do. She and I run errands and get lunch on our own when we can. But other than that I can’t figure out how to help this situation. Do you have any advice?
A: Yes. Talk to your father. There are very few substitutes for directly telling someone you have a problem with their behavior. You don’t have to do so rudely or confrontationally, but neither do you have to assume it’s a “stereotypical” (and therefore normal, and therefore unexceptionable, and therefore inevitable, and therefore something you must grin and bear) side effect of being a father. Nor do you have to assume that unless a problem is actively and obviously malicious, it’s not worth talking about. That’s not a reasonable bar for wanting to discuss something that has seriously impeded your ability to have a real relationship with your father. Ask him if he has time to talk, and tell him what you’ve noticed about the past couple of years. You don’t have to call him “tiresome” or “the most boring monologist,” but you can say, “Ever since you’ve retired, I’ve noticed a real change in the kinds of conversations we’re able to have. You don’t leave a lot of room for other people to talk or ask questions, and you’ve developed a habit of delivering monologues about traffic dynamics or rental car policies that make it feel like I’m listening to a radio host. I don’t say this because I want to hurt your feelings, but I’m curious if you’ve noticed this change in yourself, and whether you’ve noticed that it makes you harder to be around. Can we talk about what’s going on? I want to be able to have real, meaningful conversations with you—and I hope you do, too.”
Q. Racist nephew: I am engaged. My fiancé is from India. My brother’s family hadn’t met him yet, and my nephew will be 17 come spring. We planned to drive my old convertible (we fixed it up) and give it as a surprise Christmas gift and then fly back. His parents knew about our plan, but they didn’t warn me that their son was a militant racist. My sister-in-law just told me he was at a “difficult age.” When we arrived, my nephew wouldn’t shake my fiancé’s hand and sneered at us. At lunch, he made inflammatory racist remarks about “immigrants.” I tried to change the topic, but my nephew bulldozed on. His parents just sat there. My fiancé told my nephew that he and his parents are as American as anyone at this table and he’d better educate himself. My nephew called him a raghead. I got up and told my fiancé we were leaving and to go pack the car. This got a response from my brother and sister-in-law. They yelled at their son to apologize, and I told them it was too late to try and be parents. They failed. And I wasn’t going to give a car to a budding Nazi. My nephew seemed to realize that he screwed up, and his parents did nothing but try to spin the situation. My fiancé and I had been at their house less than four hours. We drove to a motel. He is angry, and I am furious and heartbroken. I rarely get to see my family since I live so far away. My brother left a dozen messages on my phone. I haven’t listened yet. My fiancé and I will be spending Christmas in a motel and driving back. Our tickets are a waste. Lunch was over 20 minutes, and my brother and his wife didn’t breathe a word against their son. They just sat there. I don’t know what to do or what to feel. I considered myself close to them given the distance. We talk on the phone. They knew my fiancé’s background. I never expected this. How do I go on from here?
A: You’ve done everything right, I think. It makes sense that you’re still “catching up to” your own feelings, as it were, because everything you thought you knew about your brother’s family changed almost instantaneously and irrevocably. I imagine it will take a long time for you to work through your grief and anger over their profound commitment to racism. Right now your brother is attempting to wear down your defenses by demanding you pay attention to him, leaving over a dozen messages—but you have direct evidence that when it actually mattered, he couldn’t be bothered to do the right thing. For 20 minutes he listened comfortably while his son hurled racist abuse at you and your partner; the only reason he’s panicking now is because he’s afraid of the consequences, not because he actually cares about you two. Take all the time and space you need, and give yourself permission to delete those messages. Let him know that you need time before you’re ready to hear an apology from him. Find someone else who can use the car, prioritize spending time with people who don’t use racial slurs toward your partner, and let them figure out how to deal with the consequences of their choices.
Q. Daughter has outgrown a longtime friend: Curious what’s my obligation to a longtime friend when my daughter has outgrown hers. Our kids are both 12, but in the past year or so, her daughter has gone down an increasingly dark path—one that my daughter has no desire to be part of. It’s unfortunate, because my house is the “safe” house: My kids’ friends know that if they are struggling or have a secret, they can share it. “Sarah” came out to me last year and asked me to share the news with her mother alongside her. We have a lot of history together, go on vacations as families, and her mother and I are great friends. Her mother had confided in me that Sarah feels left out by peers. I’ve tried to help my friend see that Sarah is kind of a jerk—screams when she doesn’t get her way, punches others when her mom isn’t looking, and is just generally unpleasant to be around—but my friend doesn’t see it. What’s my moral obligation to Sarah? I want my daughter to know I support her and our house is still a safe zone, but I also do not want to lose a great friendship and leave a kid who is struggling out in the cold.
A: I’m a little curious about the nature of your “longtime” friendship with a woman whose house you apparently don’t consider “safe.” Is she homophobic? Indifferent? Neglectful? Abusive? Have you been turning a blind eye to her dangerous behavior because you don’t want to rock the boat? When you say you’ve “tried to help” her see that her daughter is acting out, but that your friend “doesn’t see it,” I can only conclude that either your friend has her head in the sand or you haven’t been sufficiently clear and direct.
I can see why your daughter doesn’t want Sarah to come over if Sarah regularly screams at her or gets physically violent when there aren’t any adults in the room, and I think that’s your cue to step in and have a serious conversation with Sarah’s mother. Don’t hint or speak evasively. You can make it perfectly clear that you both love Sarah and can’t have her over unsupervised unless and until she stops being violent. If your friend grows defensive or angry, don’t try to prolong the conversation and give her a little time to cool off, but let her know you’re telling her this out of love and concern, and that while you’ll do anything you can to help make sure Sarah gets the help she needs, that can’t include overlooking her violent behavior toward your daughter and other kids.
Q. Swimming pool walker: My sister and I both have chronic health conditions that affect mobility, but both of us are young-looking late-thirtysomethings. We are members of a “health club” and meet up a couple of times a week to use the swimming pool. We mainly walk rather than swim and use the half of the pool designated for slow swimmers—a double-wide lane (the pool also has a single medium lane and a fast lane), because we tend to go a little slowly and chat. It’s way better because our condition affects the joints, and swimming pools are great for that.
We try to match the speed of the swimmers, but occasionally we lag. There is room to swim past without disturbing the swimmers coming the opposite way. We’ve now twice been berated by older swimmers for this, and we’ve both struggled to respond in any meaningful way in the moment. One time a man swam into us, then berated us. Another time a lady swam up behind us to berate us. I was shocked both times. Is what we’re doing not OK? Would she have done the same thing if we were obviously disabled?
I feel like I want people with disabilities and chronic health conditions (visible or not) to engage in physical activity; having a social aspect is really motivational for people with chronic pain. And if I were swimming faster than someone, I’d just swim around or use the next lane up—I’d never tell people off. Are we being selfish? How can we respond more meaningfully in those moments?
A: For what it’s worth, based on the letters I’ve received, people who are visibly or “obviously” disabled also receive a great deal of in-person harassment. But that doesn’t mean you or your sister have done anything wrong or that it’s incumbent on you to explain or advertise your own disability in order to use the local swimming pool. You’re using the lane for slow swimming in order to swim slowly and aren’t blocking other swimmers from using the same lane; just because someone’s yelling at you doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s not unlike how some drivers honk and flash their headlights at someone else who’s going the speed limit/obeying traffic laws because they want everyone else to operate for their own convenience.
It might help to speak to the front desk of your health club and ask them to post reminders about not hassling other swimmers in the slow lane. But you don’t have to do anything differently when someone is being rude to you; you are free to ignore them, alert the front desk, or tell them off.
Q. Anxiety vs. aid: I’ve lived with the same three roommates for several years. All of us are transgender and/or people of color, and my roommates are all very involved with local communities, while I have intense social anxiety and mostly keep to myself. Every few months or so, my roommates meet someone who desperately needs a place to stay and end up offering them our couch for anywhere from a weekend up to a month or more. I always agree, and I’m really glad that we are able to be a safe harbor for these people … in theory. In practice? I have an extremely hard time even leaving my room when other people are in the house. I get so anxious I can barely function. I stop eating at home because I don’t want to go through the living room to the kitchen. I don’t cook or clean. I feel bad getting ready for work in the morning because I don’t want to disturb anyone. Mutual aid is extremely important to me, and I would hate for anyone to be out on the street just because of my own issues, but I feel like my life falls apart every time we have a new person staying! I often find myself wanting to ask my roommates to limit how often we have people stay, but it’s not like they’re planned visits—sometimes there’s just someone who needs help right away, and I feel like an awful person for wanting to say no. I’m currently seeking therapy/medication for my anxiety, but in the meantime how do I balance my own needs with helping others?
A: Seeking medical treatment for serious anxiety is a great idea—but so is coming up with a house policy about overnight guests. This is what house meetings were made for! I know these guests can’t plan their crises in advance, of course, but that doesn’t mean you all can’t adopt a policy of needing to alert one another for stays lasting longer than X number of days, or set a cap on how long someone can crash on the couch, or set aside a certain number of days per month you all don’t have any guests over, or even come up with a list of other friends/acquaintances who might be able to offer a couch so you don’t only have your own house to offer up when someone’s in need. Everything you’ve brought up here is compassionate and thoughtful, and you’re also clearly doing what you can on your own to treat your anxiety. I’d imagine that your roommates would want to consider your particular needs when figuring out how to help friends in crisis. This is worth talking about!
Q. Co-worker openly dozing off in open office: I noticed a few months ago that one of my co-workers seemed to be nodding off at her desk, but I figured she was just listening to a meeting or something on her computer with her eyes closed. (She had on headphones.) But one day, after she didn’t respond to a message, I got up to speak with her. She was literally startled from sleep. I didn’t tell my other co-workers or boss about the interaction or what I have been noticing.
The woman is in her late 20s and was at the company before I joined. She was recently promoted to a more senior role. I figured our boss must feel she’s getting her work done, and there could be more at play—like a health issue—than I realize. We recently moved into a new office where I can more clearly see her nodding off. Other co-workers have started making similar observations and commenting to each other about her behavior. I’m concerned she’s going to either get in trouble or end up being ostracized. Should I talk to my co-worker or boss about this? Or should I just stay out of it?
A: I think you can trust your boss will handle this with her, if and when it becomes a problem affecting her work. If your co-workers try to bring it up with you, you can just say something like “I don’t think this is any of my business” and make it clear you’re not interested in gossiping about her. I think this a real opportunity for nonaction. If you see her fall asleep and it doesn’t affect your ability to get your work done, don’t worry about it; if you see an opportunity to encourage others to leave her alone, take it.
Q. Re: My aging dad is a long-winded bore: My dad was also engaged in long-winded monologues about boring logistics after he retired. I’ve come to understand it as an indication of his loneliness and isolation. Happily, the more time I spend talking with him, the more he’s able to relate in mutually satisfying conversation. It’s a choice on my part to engage him more and more, and it’s a choice I’ve been very happy to reap rewards from.
A: I think that’s definitely possible—and it’s very much my hope that the LW is able to talk to their dad about whether that’s a factor. But I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to dismiss curmudgeonliness/rudeness/conversation-hogging as a sign that someone is “probably” actually suffering and needs to be further accommodated. There’s no substitute for honest conversation here. I’m really glad that your father has responded to further conversation by actually being able to quiet down and listen, but there’s no guarantee that the OP’s father will.
Q. Re: Daughter has outgrown a longtime friend: The letter writer describing her house as a “safe” house does not mean that she sees her friend’s house as “unsafe” in a traditional sense (physical, emotional safety). She gave the definition of her “safe” house: Kids can be open with her on subjects they may not want to discuss with their parents.
A: I think you’re right, but I do think it’s worth flagging. Calling your own house “the ‘safe’ house” strikes me as a little unusual (rather than neutral or something), and I felt it was worth at least asking if she considers her friend’s house unsafe. But yes, it’s likely that she just meant “safe from [your own] parents,” in the way it can often be easier to talk to a friend’s mom than your own.
Q. Congratulations: I don’t have a chat question, but I want to wish you the very happiest on your recent marriage.
A: Thank you very much! It was wonderful!
Danny M. Lavery: Happy New Year, everyone! See you all next week.
Q.My husband wants to watch me have sex with another man: I am in my mid-30s and happily married to my husband for five years. We have a toddler and a fantastic sex life—better even than pre-parenthood. I had an intense crush on my husband for a long time before we hooked up, and he still gives me butterflies on a regular basis. We are very open with sharing our desires and fantasies, and we communicate really well about our sex life. This has led to us trying things for the first time that were unspoken desires in past relationships, and just generally having a lot of fun together in bed. One of the things we’ve discussed semi-seriously is my husband watching while I have sex with another man. Read more and see what Rich Juzwiak had to say.
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I am mom to a 7-month-old. We live in a pretty conservative area, and I work in a male-dominated industry. In fact, all of my co-workers are men who have or had stay-at-home wives. When I was pregnant, several of my co-workers did not expect me to come back to work. Though I told them we planned on using day care, I guess they assumed some maternal instinct would come over me and I’d quit. They said terrible things to me, like how they’d be worried day care would let their child cry all day.
I need a script for when people express their condolences about our child care. I get comments all the time: “We were fortunate and my wife didn’t have to work.” “My sister-in-law ended up having to work. It sucks.” They assume I’m working because I have to, not because I want to. It’s 2019! Some moms want to work!
Perhaps the reason I haven’t come up with a witty rebuttal is I don’t want to be working—only it wasn’t financially feasible for me to stay home. These guys think moms only work if they have to, when many moms work because they want to. As the only liberal feminist around, I feel responsible for representing that point of view. But I feel weird feigning a passion for work that I don’t have. My husband is in the same boat—he’d love to be a stay-at-home dad, but no one says it’s unfortunate that he has to work.
—Reluctantly Working Mom
Dear Reluctantly Working Mom,
First of all, everyone should be banned from saying terrible and stupid things about day care. Especially, you know, to parents who rely on day care. The jerky things people feel comfortable saying never cease to amaze me.
Anyway. I’m sorry you’re stuck at work when you’d rather be home, and I’m sorry that as an added bonus you have to run around defending the rights of women everywhere to devote energy to their careers after becoming mothers.
You know, of course, that you don’t have to do that. But you’re taking a noble stance, and maybe that fact will make you feel a little better about being at a job you’re not wild about—you might, by example, be making a difference. I think you can address these comments without outright lying: “Well, it’s not so bad and remember: Some moms want to work,” or “Every family runs differently, and this arrangement works for us.”
I’m unsurprised that no one ever says such things to your husband. And I’m realistic about your ability to change minds. But if it’s important to you to defend the rights of all women to choose work as well as family, give it your all! You’re not doing the job you love, but you are still fighting the good fight.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is 16 months old and attracts a lot of young female attention. At 10 months, having just learned how to stand, we took him to a live kids music event and a 4-year-old girl ran up to him and told him he was cute and asked him to dance. My husband had to help him stand, but they danced. It was cute, and I didn’t think anything of it.
But as the months go by, it keeps happening. Every time I take him to a play date or kids museum there are toddler girls hugging him, petting him, telling him he’s cute, and getting shy around him. He is unfazed by it, already used to the attention, and it has never upset him—to him, that is simply how he is treated. My husband and I are both pleasant to look at, but our son is far and away more attractive than either of us. I feel ill-equipped to teach him how to deal with the level of interest he receives.
I expected some of this when he was older, but should I be stepping in and brushing the toddler girls off of him, or should I let them fawn over him as long as it continues not to bother him? Can I even protect him from this? Is it anything to worry about? I worry that he is not going to have a normal life, that it can’t be healthy to be constantly objectified like that by his peers, and that I don’t know how to prepare him for whatever lies ahead. What are the downsides to being a stone cold fox and how do I protect my son from them?
—Heartthrob’s Mom
Dear Heartthrob’s Mom,
I’m sure your kid is gorgeous, but you might also consider that lots of little kids are fascinated by even younger kids—a toddler who is not your sibling is kind of an amazing playmate, though maybe plaything is the more accurate word: Younger kids are like animate dolls.
I do think that being very attractive can be a weird and specific burden (we should all be so unlucky I guess). I don’t doubt that really handsome kids are treated differently by peers, but also teachers and authority figures. It might be simple favoritism, or it might tilt into objectification, but there’s very little that you can do to control how other people behave.
What you can do is raise your son thoughtfully. Avoid commenting on appearances, whether your own or other people’s. The world might tell him otherwise, but you’ll find plenty of opportunities to remind him that what matters most is not how people look but how they behave.
• If you missed Monday’s Care and Feeding column, read ithere.
I have a 2-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old nephew, Jason. He’s an only child and has had issues with socialization and behavior. He hits his mother and can be manipulative. I am always cautious when Jason is around my daughter. We do not visit with my sister’s family often, but when we do, Jason is polite and caring. He seems to have improved his behavior, though I do notice that he’s a bit jealous and competitive with my daughter.
Last week, we went to Jason’s house. My sister has a swimming pool that is open, even now that it’s winter. This makes me nervous. Because of the swimming pool, I was always close by. Jason got a toy boat and pushed it into the pool and called for my daughter. My sister and uncle explained to him that we need to keep my daughter away from the pool. Jason seemed to understand. But then he took a ball she was playing with and kicked it toward the pool. They had another talk with him.
I took my daughter back in the house, and my family members asked why I was so uptight. An hour later, my dad had my daughter in the backyard again. Jason ran outside with a fishing pole toy. He started throwing plastic fish into the middle of the pool and calling my daughter to see them. At this point, I told my dad that I did not want my daughter in the backyard anymore.
My family has taken offense to my assumption that Jason was trying to hurt my daughter. They think I am overreacting and overprotective.
I am not sure if a 6-year-old can’t understand danger, or if Jason does not listen to adult instructions. But I keep wondering if I have to worry about Jason doing something that could cause harm to my daughter? It seems strange that he kept trying to get my daughter to play in the pool. My family is planning several more activities for the holidays that include going to Jason’s house. They’ve promised to put a fence around the pool, but I am not sure what to do.
—Safety Patrol
Dear Safety Patrol,
I can’t answer whether your daughter’s cousin means her harm, Bad Seed style. But I can tell you your family is wrong to make you feel you’re being overprotective—pools should always be fenced, and toddlers require monitoring. Jason might have just been excited to play with his cousin. But he’s 6 and she’s 2; keeping a close eye on the two of them at these holiday get-togethers isn’t overreacting, it’s common sense.
Continue to be a vigilant parent. If you see more behavior from your nephew that worries you, you might have to have a difficult conversation with his parents. Or you might have to decide this means keeping the cousins apart until his behavior is addressed. It’s not a great situation, but it’s your job as a parent to be attentive and listen to your instincts, especially when it comes to your child’s safety, even if it causes strife inside the family. Good luck.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I ran to the post office and let my 12-year-old son sit in the car while I ran inside. When I got back, he was a little agitated and said, “Mom, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I need to be honest. I did that.” He pointed to a crack in the windshield that I thought had already been there.
There are two other cracks in this windshield. The car is getting on in years. He said he had been stretching his legs, and accidentally kicked the window. He likely just split the windshield further from its already-cracked state.
The dilemma is he’s really nervous about what Dad will say. He asked me not to tell him, and I said that wasn’t an option. His dad tends to have these knee-jerk reactions to anything our son does and immediately resorts to taking electronics away (Nintendo Switch, iPad, watching TV). My husband and I have had many conversations about consequences that pertain to the offensive action—I try to avoid “undermining” him (his words), even when I disagree with the punishment.
It’s my son’s birthday weekend. Do we ruin the birthday enjoyment? Do I not say anything to my husband? I’m leaning toward having my son be the one to tell him, but I know that despite the car’s condition, my husband will freak out. What would be an appropriate consequence for this? He shouldn’t have to pay for the windshield—it was already damaged. This is another thing my husband tends to threaten every time my son breaks something (he is a bit klutzy).
I try to remind my husband that as kids and teens, our parents never made us pay for those expensive mistakes. But he was apparently that child and teenager who never did anything wrong and was never in trouble. (His mom will back him up on this.)
—Channeling My Mama Bear
Dear Mama Bear,
To my mind, disobedience requires punishment. Bad behavior, willful acting out, the violation of established rules—all of these can and should be addressed via discipline.
Your kid made a mistake. He was honest with you about it. Further, the thing that he broke was already broken—he made it worse, but really how big an infraction is this?
Adolescent bodies are awkward and big; adolescent brains are foggy enough that they’re not guided by common sense. It’s annoying and it can be expensive, but neither can be mitigated by punishment.
It sounds like the real issue is your sense that your husband is maybe a little hard on the boy. Your husband might have been an angel who did no wrong, but he needs to accept his own son for who he is—a kid who made a mistake, not the devil.
Your husband shouldn’t be so quick to discount your objections as undermining. Parenting is a collaborative endeavor, and even if one of you is a disciplinarian and the other permissive, you need to come to a compromise about how to manage discipline and when it’s warranted. Taking away TV is a fine punishment, but it should fit the crime. In this instance, there isn’t one.
