How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
What are your best tips for playing with testicles? My boyfriend loves ball action, and I … just don’t know what I’m doing. I want to approach this as enthusiastically as I approach everything else, but I’m stumped. Where do I begin?
—He’s Got Big Balls
Dear Big Balls,
I really don’t understand how these conversations go in which an interest is revealed without a plan of attack. Did he just, like, grunt as he motioned in the general area of his balls? Truth be told, I have no idea what your boyfriend wants you to do with his balls. He might like them pulled. He might like them sucked. He might like you to pop ‘em in your mouth like little bits of breaded chicken or lap at them so lightly it’s as though you’re catching snow with your tongue. Ask him. If you’re too embarrassed, go down and start kissing them gently, maybe licking them for bit and wait for him to direct you. If he doesn’t, ask him if he likes what you’re doing after a few minutes. If he still doesn’t have anything to add, it could mean one of two things: You can do whatever and he’ll be happy (in that case, rejoice: an easy-going partner is a gift), or he’s not such a ball play connoisseur after all and it still doesn’t really matter what you do.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ll just be very upfront here: I’m not sure if I was sexually assaulted, and I don’t know how to proceed. I’m a 32-year-old woman, and I’ve been on three dates with a guy I met on a dating app; let’s call him “Sam.” Sam is several years younger than I am, but I’ve never had a problem dating younger guys before so I’m not sure if that’s relevant here. Our first date was fun and at the end of the night he walked me home and kissed me good night. He did ask to come into my home “for a nightcap” a few times, but seemed okay when I said twice that I wasn’t okay with that on a first date. Our second date was near his apartment, and I did end up going home with him that night. I will admit, I drank too much on that date and I’m not sure if I would have gone home with him otherwise. My memory of the events of the evening is somewhat hazy, but I believe we had sex three or four times and one of those times included brief anal sex, which I verbally consented to.
I didn’t have any regrets after the date other than wishing I had been a bit more mentally present for the sex, but I recalled enjoying myself so I agreed to go on a third date with Sam. We had a good time on the date and I ended up bringing him back to my place, where we proceeded to have (sober) sex. I was having a good time until the third time we had sex that evening. During that encounter, without any discussion or warning, Sam proceeded to penetrate me anally, which was extremely shocking for me (it’s probably needless to say, but he didn’t use lube—he wasn’t even wearing a condom—and he slammed into me pretty fast so it was somewhat painful). I asked him to stop and he switched back to vaginal penetration and finished that way. At the time, I brushed the incident off since the whole thing happened so quickly.
As I thought about it after Sam left my place, I decided that he must have assumed I would be okay with it since I had been the first time we slept together. However, it’s been a few days since this incident, and I’m growing increasingly upset about it. Perhaps Sam doesn’t realize what he did wasn’t okay because he’s younger, and I don’t think he’s had as many sexual partners/experiences as I have. For his part, he’s been texting me and expressing interest in going out again in a totally nice and respectful way. I definitely don’t want to continue seeing him after what happened, but I’m not sure if the incident is serious enough to be classified as sexual assault or if it was just a miscommunication. He otherwise seems like a really nice guy, so I don’t really know how to break things off with him. I’ve considered just ghosting him to avoid having a potentially painful discussion that might further upset me, but perhaps I have a responsibility to tell him that I’m upset about what happened and that’s why I’m ending it. Any advice on how to proceed here?
—Confused and Upset
Dear Confused,
Anal is a big deal to a lot of people, and I think it always warrants a conversation, each and every time. I don’t think classification would amount to much here, as it doesn’t seem that you’re interested in pursuing legal justice. One could easily make the argument that what you experienced was sexual assault, or a misunderstanding, or that it exists within the gray area between those two options. You can decide that for yourself, and you can change your mind. I also think you’re totally within your rights to ghost him—he’s put you through enough. That said, the absolutely most ethical thing to do—for the good of Sam and his future partners—would be to send him a note explaining why you don’t want to see him again. You can keep it matter of fact and your tone needn’t be any firmer than you feel is appropriate, but simply pointing out that he is not entitled to anyone’s butthole (other than his own) would probably be useful information to him. What I would fear after sending that is him pushing back, getting defensive, or wanting to engage in some long discussion for the sake of exonerating himself to you (but mostly himself). At that point, you could just block him. He’s already been a pain in your ass once. He doesn’t get to be that twice.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a gay male with a mostly straight male friend. We have been friends for six years now, and he has been with his current girlfriend about half that time. He once told me that he isn’t completely straight, and his girlfriend has told me separately that she is bisexual. Over the years we’ve kept things mostly platonic, but my friend and I have definitely had sexual conversations and he once sent me some explicit photos and video. When we have been to saunas or those long open urinals I have also caught him checking out my goods. Around the holidays after many drinks, he told me that his girlfriend wants to experiment outside of their relationship with other women. This somehow to led to him and I having a rather intense cuddle session that resulted in some light sexual contact. A month or so went by, and we had another cuddle session that ended up with us both in our underwear, but with no sexual contact. However, he was erect during it. I later apologized if I had pushed things too far and promised to keep things “above the waist,” but he responded with, “It’s OK, I don’t mind.” A week later I tried rubbing his back and he immediately shot me down.
I have been having more emotional and sexual feelings about him lately, but I am not sure what to do about it. His relationship with his girlfriend often seems like a fast pendulum, going from domestic bliss to inane and illogical arguments (she is always the instigator) at a moment’s notice. He is always the one to apologize and does everything (sole earner, chores, shopping, cooking). To me it seems one-sided (including the talks of opening up their relationship only for her), but maybe I am being too hopeful and reading too much into it? I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also don’t want it to go back the way it was before. What should I do?
—Longing in Long Island
Dear Longing,
In instances like this, commitment from a “mostly straight” guy is like blood from a stone. Actually, you’d be better off with the stone. A stone, at least, will stay where you put it. You have two choices: divest emotionally and resign yourself to being this guy’s part-time plaything or take all sexual contact out of the equation and be a platonic friend while he sorts out who the hell he is. Allowing yourself to be a sexual option whenever he gets around to taking you up on it is just prolonging your longing. The pattern of behavior you’re witnessing—the pushing and pulling—is typical as guys figure out their sexuality and grapple with the ebb and flow of fascination to shame, while they acclimate to the idea that they like dick and maybe even that to which it is attached. You could stick around and be this guy’s half-hearted experiment or you could have some self-respect. I’m urging you to have some self-respect.
It’s unwise to interpret the status of his relationship as your potential in with him. You’re only hearing one side of the story—his—and it sure does sound like it in your telling, what with her “always” being the instigator and his “always” being the one who apologizes. To be fair, this is a possible scenario, but the truth is likely more complex. Relationships are rarely the archetypical good vs. bad struggle that the frazzled people in them make them out to be. His openness with his girlfriend, in fact, isn’t entirely one-sided as he’s had some sexual contact with you—there’s a big, screaming indicator that you’re believing the fairy tale. The chances of this going in a happily ever after direction for you are slim—you’re better off finding a guy who’s more secure with himself and mature in his sexuality. He’ll probably be better at sucking dick than a “straight” guy, at any rate.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I are both older. For many years, things have not been the same. I am fortunate not to have succumbed to the same dry/painful penetrative sex woes as many other post-menopausal women. However, it is very important to my husband to believe that things are the same as always with regard to his ability to maintain an erection. That has not been the case for many years. For many reasons, encounters have been rarer, and perhaps that is a factor. I also understand that a lack of physical intimacy may lead to further lacks, and perhaps it has already done so. Over the last year, we had a couple of encounters. (Yeah—sad. So far from where we started.) I wish there had been more. They kind of fizzled out, although I think that he ultimately felt good. There is a point at which I do crave penetrative sex, but I am wondering whether I need to redefine sex. Just trying to figure out how to get through these years. It is extremely important to him to believe that he continues to have full sexual functionality. I am not sure what to say or do to make things better. He has lost a lot of functionality, but can’t handle the thought—or so it seems to me. Or is it me? Because when he’s by himself, things go OK. If I need to learn new moves, I will learn them. I really don’t know where to go from here.
— Don’t Know Whether to Be Worried or Not
Dear Worried or Not,
It’s very open-minded and compassionate of you to consider redefining sex in light of your husband’s dysfunction, but sometimes you want a hard dick that could double as a hat rack and no substitution will do, not even an actual hat rack. Could you gently introduce the notion of him using ED drugs/a cockring as not something that is strictly needed, but an enhancement? Plenty of younger guys who aren’t dysfunctional, per se, take such drugs because they can help prolong sex, aid in recharge time, and/or act as a sort of anti-anxiety drug for those who worry about their performance. If such medicine is presented as a way to spice things up—something as much for you as for him—maybe that would be less intimidating to him. Maybe it would open the door for a franker conversation about his functionality that he is as yet too ashamed to broach? Technology has afforded us several solutions to the problem that you describe, and the real shame would be to let pride get in the way of using them. Time, as you know, is a-wastin’.
More How to Do ItI go to a public high school, where sex is discussed frequently. I, for religious and ethical reasons, don’t want to have sex until I’m married. My friends say that makes me a “prude” and “old fashioned,” and that I should be more “progressive.” Does waiting till marriage really make me a prude?
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