How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Every week, the crew responds to a bonus question in chat form.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife of 16 years came out to me last fall as bisexual. It honestly wasn’t a huge surprise to me. Over the years, I have watched her gaze longingly at women and make small comments. I am so glad and honored she trusted me enough and felt intimate enough to share this with me. I accept her and affirm her, and I am really happy she is finally able to express this dimension of herself. When she came out, she asked to go to a strip club, because she had always wanted to go and saw it as a kind of safe space to explore without any strings attached. We went, and within 20 minutes, she had a dancer picked out and was back in the VIP room. She asked me to come with her, and I said only if we are clear that these dances are for you and about you and that this is not a performance for me. I wanted her to be free and able to explore and experience without judgment from me or wondering what I was thinking.
Well, what I was a witness to was so authentic and beautiful and erotic. It was clear very quickly that this desire she had for so long was turning into honest, real, and fun moments of pleasure for her. In her words, it was one of the best nights of her life. In talking about that night, she now says she wants to have a threesome—but only if I am there too. I am not comfortable with that. It was one thing to be in a dark booth next to two women, but I have concerns about participating in a MFF threesome. My wife says she does not want to see me with another girl. And I get that these are our rules to make. But what if the other girl is attracted to me? Or I to her? We can have rules, sure. But is it really possible to have a MFF where hands and body parts don’t all cross pollinate? What about my desires, and the third person’s desires? My wife says she wants me there because it helps her feel safe as she explores this. On one hand, that feels nice. But on the other, I feel like I can’t say no to this without her feeling like I’m rejecting this important part of her sexuality. When I say it’s not something I want to do, she replies I must not be a “real man,” because any real man would jump at a threesome. I love her. I value her. I accept she is bisexual. And I want to be supportive of her and her explorations. I’m trying so hard to be supportive of her. But the honest truth is I really just don’t want to be a part of a threesome. Is there any path forward for us on this, or will it be a matter of me just accepting the threesome so that she feels safe and able to explore?
—Three’s a Crowd
Stoya: The first thing jumping out at me is this “if you were a real man” framing, which is manipulative at best.
Rich: It’s so jarring because the love and patience expressed by our writer are beautiful. And then: a stain on the dynamic.
Stoya: Huge, glaring stain. And on her end—the end of the woman with the husband who is reacting so gently and supportively to her desire to explore sex with other women.
Rich: His compersion is flowing. He’s not judging. I found that “real man” line shocking, because the setup did not suggest they are the kind of couple who would communicate like that?
Stoya: I mean, it’s possible that she’s like that and he’s like this and they simply aren’t matched in that department. I’ve definitely known people who are super chill and accommodating and yet are dating people who are sort of terrifying.
Rich: Ha, right.
Stoya: It’s also possible that she’s only like this around this one subject.
Rich: Yes, we contain multitudes, big and small. Our letter writer says repeatedly that he is not interested in the proposed threesome, but some other included info made me wonder if he felt this way about threesomes generally or if he was mostly not interested in the threesome that she devised, where he can participate … but not touch the other woman. I think the wife’s rules are too strict there, and I totally understand his hesitation.
Stoya: I’m wondering if she’s actually thought through the difference between a threesome and having sex with another woman with him there, because the latter is also an option.
Rich: Yes. The proposed scenario really clips his wings before he can even spread them, and I understand not wanting to go into a situation that strips away one of the most attractive things about sexual exploration: freedom. Especially when what’s withheld is the possibility of any sort of connection with the third party. It is frankly a boner-killer
Stoya: I read the letter as him not being interested in a threesome at all.
Rich: I could see that.
Stoya: Which is my own bias showing. Personally, I think threesomes are for the birds.
Rich: Really!
Stoya: The only way they work for me is if the focus is entirely on one party. Otherwise they’re a confusing, overstimulating mess. So I see a lot of reasons our writer might not want to participate in one.
Rich: I revel in the overstimulation. I love the feeling of exponential possibility that comes from adding a single body to the mix. But I hear you and have been in threesomes with many people who feel the way you do.
Stoya: I wish our writer had talked a bit more about his desires.
Rich: What’s presented is the picture of someone who is generous but not a doormat. I thought it was just a very mature approach to nonmonogamy: allowing his wife his freedom while being obviously certain of his own boundaries. He’s given her plenty already and, regardless, has no obligation to participate in something he isn’t comfortable with.
Stoya: Absolutely, but I’m wishing I knew what his particular cons are here. His desires are absolutely valid, as are the desires of the third partner.
Rich: Yeah, and it’s unreasonable at this point for her to attempt to coerce more out of him.
Stoya: 100 percent agreed. And coercion should never be rewarded. She’s presumably an adult. If she wants to have sex with women, she can do that without supervision.
Rich: Yes. And maybe a slight compromise could be struck? Could he be home while it happens, but not in the room? Would that be a something that makes the situation both comfortable for him, and reassuring to her of her safety?
Stoya: Good idea.
Rich: Other than that, I think he’s doing everything according to how I would advise?
Stoya: Agreed. He’s doing everything ideally as far as I can tell.
More How to Do ItLast night, I went on a date someone who I had met somewhat spontaneously. We were having a really great time—natural conversation, similar interests, just a good vibe. I don’t normally click with people this easily, so I followed the mood a little more than I might have otherwise and went back to his place. We slept together, and it lived up to the rest of the night. But then he casually let it drop that he’s dating someone, but they’re open. I felt extremely betrayed. He texted later and said he hadn’t meant to mislead me. But he did, didn’t he?
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