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Danny is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. Not a drug dealer: About a year ago, I began self-publishing steamy romance stories. It started out as a side hustle to help pay some bills, but it grew bigger than I ever expected. In January I quit my 9-to-5 to focus solely on writing. I don’t tell people where my income is from, as I am from a very conservative town and an even more conservative family. Even the most vanilla of my stories would be taboo. Problem is my family has noticed my uptick in disposable income and the fact that I no longer have a day job.
Rather than explore the gamut of legal employment opportunities, my family has assumed I have gotten myself mixed up with something shady. I did have a drug problem in my past, but I have been clean for nearly a decade. I know they don’t mean any harm when they ask questions about where my new things are coming from and how have I “really” been doing, but in some strange way it hurts that they don’t trust me when I say I am fine and haven’t been around that crowd in years. Still, it has been sweet in its own way, with numerous family members offering to help me while offering monetary/emotional support. I do appreciate their efforts, no matter how misguided they may seem.
I really do not want to disclose how I am making my income to close friends and family, as 1) they will judge me, and 2) it will undoubtedly make future encounters awkward. I also don’t want to spurn their concern over my assumed relapse and less-than-legal employment as they have always been an amazing support system and are the reason I am where I am today. How do I let them know that I truly am doing fine but I am not open to discussion as to where I am making my money?
A: I’d welcome plausible cover stories from any readers who don’t want to share their primary source of income with family. What works for you? You can always speak vaguely about doing freelance work in publishing or editing—or ghostwriting, since that type of work often comes without credit. Any other suggestions?
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Q. My birthday is being usurped: My birthday is April 9. In my family, birthdays have always been big celebrations, an all-day event beginning with breakfast and ending well into the evening. This year I turn 65 and have been planning a special celebration. My stepdaughter is pregnant with her second child, who was due in mid-April. However, she has now scheduled herself to be induced on, you can guess, April 9. I feel like she and her soon-to-arrive daughter are stealing my special day from me. I enjoy being the center of attention and being spoiled one day a year, but from now on, the focus will always be on the child. I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter and don’t want to harm that, but how can I convince her to change the scheduled birthdate?
A: In the words of the Prophet Isaiah: “Come now, and let us reason together.” You cannot ask a heavily pregnant woman to rearrange her birth plans so you can have an uninterrupted all-day birthday brunch. Make the choice to relinquish your commitment to ridiculousness! Schedule an all-day birthday brunch for a few days earlier or a few days later; assume that your stepdaughter will either be too busy being nine months pregnant or a brand-new parent to come. Find ways to treat yourself that do not involve demanding that everyone you’re related to drop everything for 24 hours, and accept that no one else will ever be as committed to spoiling yourself as you are. Take yourself out to a day spa or to a movie with friends—there are dozens of things you can do to ensure you have a pleasant and luxurious birthday celebration that don’t involve souring your relationship with your stepdaughter. (And be sure to acknowledge her on the day she gives birth! It’s a big day!)
Q. Gender trouble: I am a cis woman, 5-foot-9 with short hair and a contralto voice. I often get called “sir,” which doesn’t bother me. But at least twice I’ve had acquaintances assume I was a trans man or nonbinary person and then make a face when I insisted on “she” pronouns, which does bother me. I would be fine with the way things are now except that I have severe endometriosis, and the best medical option post-excision surgery is for me to go on androgens. I know the misgendering is going to get a lot worse if I have a deeper voice and stubble. How do I convince my work acquaintances that I’m not making a secret gender transition without revealing that I have a serious medical problem? (There are a lot of things I like about being a woman. Is it OK to present as a man but still identify as a woman?)
A: I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with the smug, condescending looks of people who assume that you’re closeted or kidding yourself and that they know your identity better than you do—and who for some reason think that their act of grimacing is going to help you accept yourself and come out! Even if they were right and you were a closeted trans person, I’m pretty confident that no trans person has ever felt safer or emboldened by the sight of a colleague rolling their eyes over their pronouns. They are being unutterably rude, and you have every right to draw attention to said rudeness and tell them to stop.
I also think you are conceding too much to these assholes if you say that you’re “presenting as a man” when you are not, in fact, doing anything of the sort. You are a tallish woman with a deep voice who may possibly grow a bit more facial hair in the future. That is not the same thing as “presenting as a man”! Just because other people call your gender into question does not mean you are “presenting as a man.” Rather than you trying to convince them of anything, they need to be reminded that it’s unprofessional and unkind to slight your womanhood or to ask personal questions about your body. If that means speaking to your boss and HR so that you have real institutional support in making sure you’re treated with respect, I hope you get the support that you need.
Q. Should I stay, or should I go? My husband and I got married young, when we were much more involved in our religious community. As we’ve gotten older, our ideas about our future have diverged. We are both fairly independent people. It’s clear that the passion is gone, but our lives have been so intertwined for nearly 10 years. I’m one of the rare people who loves my entire in-law family as much as my own, we’ve bought a house together, have retirement funds together, etc. The two of us are comfortable coexisting for the most part, but we will never be able to pursue both of our dreams together. He dreams of a family and settling down in small-town America. I’m not opposed to kids (although I have no real desire for them) but would prefer to adopt and raise them in a bigger, more diverse setting. He feels like he can’t trust me as a parent because I’ve struggled with bulimia and been suicidal. I want to travel, focus on my career, and give back to my community. He does not take an interest in my day-to-day life, and I often feel disrespected by how he talks to me and treats me.
But I’d feel guilty about leaving. Because he is more religious—selectively, about certain issues—than I am, I doubt he would be able to find someone else. Our community is not too big on divorce, and it seems so cruel to doom him in that way in his early 30s. I would be open to finding someone else, but I also could be happy to be single for the rest of my life. I feel like the obvious answer is to leave, but then it’s so painful. We’d see each other everywhere in the small town where we live, and our social circles are so linked. What do you think? Is it worth it to try to work it out?
A: If you want to see if a peaceful coexistence is possible, I think that’s a perfectly legitimate goal for marriage. But please don’t try to convince yourself to have children that you have “no real desire” for just because you feel guilty about your husband’s hypothetical future dating prospects. I can’t think of anything that would be more damaging to your own well-being or the happiness of children. And I’m pretty skeptical that you, specifically, could live happily for the rest of your life with a man who takes no interest in your daily life and who apparently constantly disrespects you. Yes, divorce is hard, and seeing him around town often would be painful—but wouldn’t it be less painful than living with him and feeling insulted or marginalized on a daily basis? And why is it your job to stay with a man who makes you unhappy just because you think other women wouldn’t date him in the future? I hope that question doesn’t sound harsh; I don’t mean to scold you but merely encourage you to think of this situation not as one where “I can either make my husband happy by staying or make him miserable forever by leaving.” Many communities that are not “big” on divorce are fairly kind toward divorced men—I don’t think you would be dooming him for the rest of his life. And it would also be possible for him to develop a happy, self-sufficient, worthwhile life as a single person!
You don’t have to leave today. There are a number of religious, financial, and relational factors you’ll want to consider, and I’d encourage you to consult a lawyer to get a better sense of your options and next steps. Talk to a friend, too! But don’t convince yourself that you don’t have the right to even consider leaving because then your husband might be single. He can survive singleness.
Q. Re: My birthday is being usurped: Not only is the future grandmom being silly, but an April 9 induction (not C-section) means a pretty good chance the baby is born on April 10.
A: I think it’s safe to assume that for the majority of April, the letter writer’s stepdaughter is going to be very busy! You’re right that an induction can’t be treated as a simple, straightforward, one-and-done procedure; I’d schedule something low-key for the fifth or thereabouts so the letter writer can be prepared to help out (run errands, pick up dinner, whatever) when the baby comes.
Q. Do I come out to my Christian little sister? About six years ago, I joined the Big Sisters program and was matched with a Little Sister, an 11-year-old named “Hope.” Since then, I’ve come out. I’m happy in my sexuality, and all my other friends and family know. I was even in a two-year relationship with a woman the whole time, hiding this from Hope. Hope and her mom attend a Pentecostal church, and the church explicitly says they think LGBT people are sinners. Hope is a pretty ordinary 17-year-old now. She attends the church, including a youth group, but keeps up with current trends and watches TV shows that all have queer characters, even talking about these characters the same way she talks about the straight characters. I think if I were to come out to Hope, she would be fine with it. But her mother, Susan, is a different story. She’s very traditional and pretty religious. I have a very bad feeling that if Susan found out, she would forbid Hope from seeing me. Hope and her mom now live in a different city, so we are no longer officially part of the Big Sisters program. But we talk on the phone a lot and see each other a few times a year, and I truly cherish this relationship.
Is it ethical to come out to Hope and then ask her to keep this a secret from her mom? Or do I wait another year and a half until she goes to college? It’s starting to wear on me; I want to be open and honest with her. It’s a part of who I am, and I think it would bring us closer. Perhaps she’s queer herself, but even if not, she might feel more comfortable talking to me about crushes and relationships. We haven’t talked about those at all, and I feel like I’m contributing to a culture of silence around sexuality. What should I do?
A: I’d wait until Hope is at college rather than risk losing contact. I don’t think you’ve “contributed to a culture of silence around sexuality” because you’ve never talked about your relationships or crushes with this girl; rather, it strikes me as a fairly reasonable boundary between an adult mentor and a kid/later teenager. That doesn’t mean it would be inappropriate for you to mention that you’re gay to a 17-year-old, merely that you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. The only reason I suggest you wait a bit longer now is due to strategy, not because I think a 17-year-old can’t handle learning that you’re queer.
Q. Re: Not a drug dealer: “I’m publishing books online, but part of the agreement is that the author remains anonymous. It’s quite lucrative, but I’m afraid I can’t point you to what I’ve written without violating the agreement.” It’s mostly the truth, especially if you say “agreement,” not contract. Only you need to know it’s an agreement with yourself.
A: I like this, if only for the stylishness of being able to say something like “It’s quite lucrative, I’m afraid” to one’s relatives.
Q. Not your day: My sibling is transgender but is still in the closet with most of our family. I am getting married in May, and they have decided to use my wedding to come out to everyone. My sibling was originally in my wedding party.
My fiancé and I are stressed enough as it is, and I can’t believe my sibling would do this to me. I told them to either come out a month before my wedding to give everyone time to get over the news and attend as a regular guest or wait and be in the wedding party like we planned. We ended up having a screaming match over the phone. My sibling cursed me out and told me how awful and prejudiced I was. I yelled back that I gave them all the support I could but I wasn’t going to let them steal my wedding! My sibling will not return my calls and has missed my bridal shower. People are asking questions, and I made the excuse that my sibling was sick. I love my sibling, and I don’t want to hurt them or out them accidentally, but my fiancé and I both feel that the spotlight needs to be on us that day, especially since we are paying for everything. How do I talk to my sibling? I want them there.
A: I’m so sorry! Coming out at someone else’s wedding is totally inappropriate, not just because it pulls significant focus from the bridal couple but because no one else will be prepared or equipped to have that sort of conversation during a celebration. “I love you, but I need you to choose a time to come out that’s not at my wedding” is a very reasonable boundary to draw, and I’m sorry that your sibling can’t realize that right now. Give them time to cool off and, if you can, let them know that you’d still love to have them attend as long as they can abide by that rule. If your sibling gets agitated or starts to curse you out again, do your best to say, “I don’t think this is productive. Let’s talk again later” before you get drawn into a screaming match—that won’t help things any. I hope very much that your sibling is able to realize their original plan was a bad one, let it go, and show up to celebrate you. But if not, at least you won’t have to worry that they’re going to commandeer the toast during the reception in order to come out to everyone. Life is long, and maybe there will come a time when you two can repair things—after the wedding.
Q. Ethically monogamous: I recently started seeing someone who is trying out polyamory. He had met and developed a relationship with an ethically nonmonogamous woman before meeting me, who encouraged him to try to find other partners. Not looking to settle down anytime soon, I said I was OK with this. I did some research and read a couple of books about it and tried it out, keeping communication with him open the full time, trying to develop a platonic relationship with his other partner, and going on a couple of dates with other people. I told him from the beginning that I reserve the right to stop being OK with it, and I was certain that it was not something I was interested in long-term. Each time I mentioned that, he said that he would be OK with staying with me monogamously. It has been a few months since we have started seeing each other, and I am starting to feel less and less OK with the situation. He is slipping up on his commitments to me and spending less time with me, now that he is trying to budget time among four relationships. Now I am torn between breaking up and telling him I don’t want him to see other people anymore. I would be disappointed not to have him in my life anymore, but it does not seem fair to me to tell him to change the way of life that he is beginning to enjoy. What do I do?
A: This hinges at least a bit on how he said he’d be “OK with” monogamy. Did he seem genuinely open and interested? Or did it sound more like “I’d be willing to curtail my fun if you insisted”? You’ve only been dating for a few months, and he’s already grown distant and hard to reach. In your situation, I’d be more inclined to say “We’re not compatible,” cut bait, and wish him well. But if you’re worried about ending things precipitously, you can always frame it thusly: “I’ve given it a lot of thought, and nonmonogamy isn’t for me. If you think you could be excited and interested in dating me exclusively, I’d be very into that. But if that doesn’t sound more exciting than what you’re doing now, we may just not be a match.”
Q. Re: Not a drug dealer: Ghostwriting with a nondisclosure agreement. “Sorry, I can’t tell you whom I’m writing for.” I’m assuming the self-publishing is under a pseudonym so the family can’t just Google.
A: That’s fantastic and has the added bonus of being, essentially, the truth.
Q. Re: Not a drug dealer: Say as much of the truth as possible—that you write and your work wouldn’t be enjoyable to share. If they press, say you write and edit equipment instruction manuals.
A: Lots of recommendations for equipment instruction manuals/technical writing/translating engineering manuals into English because it’s pretty boring to anyone outside the field and not the sort of book you can buy in a bookstore or online very readily. I think that’s a good option, too.
Q. Re: My birthday is being usurped: Who on earth let you be spoiled for 65 years like this?
A: I confess I am a bit worried about how this attitude might bleed over into nonbirthday days! It’s perfectly fine to enjoy having a bit of a fuss over your birthday, but only if it comes with a real lightness to the participation of others—you are inviting people to do something fun but nonessential. It’s not a yearly referendum on how much they love or respect you.
Q. Re: Not a drug dealer: Seriously? Stop ripping off your fake letters from movies. This is a rip-off from Lethal Weapon 4, when Murtaugh is investigated for being on the take because his wife, Trish, writes romance novels in secret and is raking in the dough.
A: I’m impressed that you remember the plot to Lethal Weapon 4! I have never seen it and am unlikely to. If any other letter writers are looking to snow me, I recommend using Lethal Weapon 4 as a rubric.
Danny M. Lavery: Thanks, everyone! Hope you’re all staying as well as possible, under the circumstances.
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
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From Care and FeedingQ. How do I explain death to a toddler? I have a very dear friend, now close to death, who I am helping out almost daily. Eighteen months ago my daughter blessed us all with a beautiful baby boy, and I have been able to watch him for a day or three every week since he was a month old. This has involved my friend and my grandson getting to know each other, and they have grown quite attached. (She says he is the best pain relief ever.) Now her time is running out, and the hospice social worker wants us to have a coherent plan on how we deal with the fact of her death with my grandson. We have been advised not to call it travel, sleep, or other euphemistic terms. I am at a loss as to how to account for her absence. He is being raised with religion, so maybe “gone to heaven” is enough for now? Read more and see what Carvell Wallace had to say.
Danny M. Lavery’s new book, Something That May Shock and Discredit You, is out now.
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