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Danny is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. Do I have to tell them? My father was the definition of a deadbeat dad. He was abusive and absent, and he rejected his three children (of which I’m the youngest) in every way possible. As a result, my siblings have had a tough life of drug abuse, crappy relationships, poverty, etc. I dodged the bullet by embracing a conservative religion and ended up being financially healthy, physically healthy, and mentally fine. For whatever reason, my siblings have put my father on a pedestal. A year ago I discovered Deadbeat Dad is actually dead (and has been for a couple decades). I haven’t yet told my siblings. The thing is, I can’t stand the reaction they’ll have—they’re going to cry and go on and on. It makes me sick and Deadbeat Dad is so unworthy. And yes, I get that I’m being a stereotypical judgmental conservative religious person. I have two questions: 1) Do I have to tell them? 2) If so, how do I do it in a compassionate, Christian way, when I feel so much hostility about him?
A: You don’t have to do anything; it is possible for you to keep this information to yourself. You might feel guilty about it, especially if your siblings found out through someone else, but every decision comes with its drawbacks. If you’re not often in touch with your siblings, it might make sense to decide not to introduce the topic, especially since I imagine his death is a matter of at least publicly accessible record, if not public record.
But if you think the guilt of knowing and keeping it to yourself would weigh on you, then I think it’d probably be easier to just get it over with. You can put it in writing if you don’t want to have to deal with their immediate reactions, and if you can, try to send it to everyone at the same time. If I were in your position, I’d probably tell them, offer them a few minutes of a sympathetic ear out of patience and respect for their own (somewhat strange, but whose isn’t?) relationship to their father, and then find a polite way to exit the conversation.
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Q. Missing a plus-one? Recently, I was invited to a college friend’s wedding. The invitation says it’s for one person. I started dating my boyfriend around six months ago. I don’t think this friend knows we’re dating, thus why I don’t have a plus-one. (He knows my boyfriend because I was friends with him for years before we started dating, and we all went to the same school.) It could also be because they’re having a smaller wedding and may not be extending that offer to everybody. I don’t really want to go to this wedding alone, but I feel like asking for a plus-one is kind of tacky and rude. I have never been invited to a wedding in my adult life, so I have no idea how I should approach this situation. Should I suck it up and fly solo?
A: I don’t really care about tackiness, but asking someone to pay for another guest could potentially mean spending hundreds of additional dollars, and it’s not something you should do lightly. There are plenty of differing opinions on whether it’s polite to invite people without a plus-one in the first place, but since we’re not arguing abstractly about the practice of inviting single guests but trying to sort out what your response should be, let’s leave that to the side. I think you should figure out whether you think you’d be able to enjoy yourself without a date. For example, do you have many mutual friends who might be attending this wedding? Is it an out-of-town wedding that might involve travel and staying by yourself in a hotel? After considering this, either accept the invitation as is or send your regrets and a nice card.
Q. Too femme? My wife and I are both cis women; we’ve been together for 10 years and married for three. I’ve always been very “girly” and feminine, and I enjoy makeup and jewelry. We’ve been talking about having a child recently, and my wife commented that she’d be uncomfortable raising a daughter with me because of my “stereotypical” image and presentation. She’s asked me to stop wearing makeup and keep my jewelry minimal because I look “anti-feminist.” I’m really hurt. Please help.
A: I wasn’t aware that “jewelry-wearing lesbian” was such a damaging stereotype! As a matter of fact, I don’t believe that it is. Where was this concern 10 years ago? Your enjoyment of makeup was apparently fine when she was just looking for a girlfriend, but now that you’re on the verge of Sacred Motherhood, it’s a compromise of your principles? Where’d she pick up this Madonna-Magdalene complex all of a sudden? And since when is totally overhauling your wardrobe and appearance in order to please your partner a feminist act? What qualifies as “minimal” jewelry, and at what level does jewelry stop being “minimal” (good, serious, important, worthy, far away from that flimsy, dangerous femininity) and start being “stereotypical” (stupid, shallow, vain, worthless, bad for children)? Is she cosplaying as all of Michelle Williams’ friends from the 1970s section of If These Walls Could Talk 2? Is she totally unaware of the rich history of femme identity in the lesbian community and wants to discredit all of it as unnecessary capitulation to The Man? Has she read a book published after 1975? Does she think your interest in makeup cancels out your personality or professional accomplishments? Of course you’re hurt. What your wife said to you was insulting, infantilizing, and absurd, and I hope you can have a productive conversation about how she can try to make amends.
Q. Does metal make my co-workers think I’m weird? I work at an engineering firm and generally get along with everyone really well. However I’ve had some personal trauma recently and find myself incredibly angry and stressed all the time. I am polite and friendly to co-workers, but I simply feel a lot of anger. The only way I feel soothed is listening to metal in my car during my lunch hour. I stay parked nearby but not in the company parking lot where a lot of people go for walks during the break. Whenever people walk by, they look into my car and I assume they can hear my music playing. Am I being unprofessional? Is this something that is inappropriate in the workplace? (I am currently going to a therapist for the trauma.)
A: I don’t think you’re being unprofessional, especially since you’re parking off-site, but I understand at least part of the question is “Do I need to take more steps to avoid the appearance of being unprofessional, in case some of the people walking past me happen to be co-workers?” If you’re really concerned that your music is audible to people walking past (and you’re not interested in listening at a lower volume), wearing headphones and listening to music on your phone in the car strikes me as an obvious solution.
Q. Wills: My father recently died and left me in charge of his will. Most of the estate (house, accounts, etc.) goes to me, with a portion going to my younger sister. My sister and father didn’t have the greatest relationship (I didn’t really have a good relationship with him, either, but it was better than theirs). My sister has consistently made poor choices in life. She moved out at 18 to move in with her boyfriend, and relied on her many boyfriends and low-paying part time jobs to get by. She’s very smart but never furthered her education. She currently wants to have a baby with her flavor of the week but doesn’t have the money. She thought my dad’s estate would be split 50-50 so she would be able to have a child. After the will was made public, my sister threw a fit. She still gets a sizable amount of money but not as much as she thought. She is now begging me to split my inheritance with her. I’m extremely tempted because I love her, but I know that she will continue to make bad choices if I give her the money. I think she is too young and immature to have a baby. She will be mooching off me for the rest of my life if she starts popping kids out now. I am educated and have a well-paying job, so it doesn’t really matter to me how much I give, or don’t give, my sister. What do I do?
A: I think the most important question is not “Do I think my sister will handle this money in the same way that I would?” but “Do I think it’s right to share our inheritance equally, given that this isn’t money I earned from my job or counted on in order to pay my bills?” I’d also encourage you to reconsider language like “popping out kids,” as if your sister was a malfunctioning assembly line; it’s dehumanizing and strongly implies that she doesn’t have the same right to determine her own reproductive future as someone, for example, who’s both “educated” and has “a well-paying job” (the word for which is eugenics). Regardless of whether you give her an equal share of the inheritance, your sister will continue to make decisions you yourself would not. Withholding the money from her will not remove her ability to make her own choices, some of which you may very well consider bad. But it’s not money that you need, and it’s not money that you earned. (That’s not a value judgment, either; no inheritance is earned.)
I think you should split this money 50-50 with your sister, feel very free to deny her personal loans if she ever applies to you for them in the future, and not appoint yourself the arbiter of whether she deserves to be a mother because of her financial situation.
Q. Mommy issues: I’m a woman in my 30s, and my mom and I have always had a tense relationship mingled with a love of talking to each other. She moved out when I was 5, and I think I still harbor some resentment. Somewhat unrelatedly, I really dislike being touched by most people, my mother included. Unfortunately, my mom has a tendency to be touchy: She touches the letters on my T-shirt, comes to look at the necklace I’m wearing without asking, adjusts my clothes for me. This often ends with me sharply snapping at my mom to not touch me. This weekend she was telling me how sore she was and touched the spot on my glute to show me where she’s sore. I snapped and told her, “I don’t like being touched.” I later apologized and asked her if she could help me by asking before getting close because I don’t like being touched. She said “I know” and we moved on. She proceeded to adjust my clothing for me and I pointed out gently that this was the same circumstance. She said “OK” and we kept talking. She then touched me on the knee to emphasize a point and I bit my tongue.
At the end of our visit she told me she was very upset. I apologized again but reiterated how important it is to me to not be touched. It became a fight and she said she’d never known, and I started telling her how often it happens and that I go out of my way to not wear clothes she’ll want to inspect closer (face-palm). What I really want to hear is how right I am, and that it’s OK to snap at someone for invading my space (I doubt my mother does this with my brother), but I’m conflicted because I’ve never told her calmly or quietly before. What can I do? I wish I could take back my snapping and go back 16 years and quietly let her know that touching really isn’t on the table.
A: Let’s resist, together, the idea that the only times requests for personal space are justifiable is when they’re issued calmly and quietly. Whether someone says “Don’t touch me” in floating, serene tones or with visible irritation, the message is the same: Don’t touch them. And your mother’s claim that she “never knew” you dislike being touched is belied by the fact that you’ve “often” snapped at her not to touch you in the past. She did know! She does know! You’ve told her multiple times, most recently when you apologized for snapping earlier and calmly explained that you’d prefer she ask your permission before getting close and touching you. Then later during that very same conversation she touched you without asking permission. You don’t cede the right to physical autonomy because you didn’t ask “politely” enough.
I don’t mean to suggest that your mother is necessarily doing this with conscious malice. She may simply believe that as your mother it’s her right to touch you whenever she wants, that you’re “too sensitive” and therefore your limits aren’t reasonable ones that deserve respect. But whatever work she needs to do internally to remind herself about your physical limits is hers to do, not yours. You don’t need to go back in time. All you have to do is say: “Mom, I’ve told you a number of times that I don’t like being touched without permission, and while you’ve always agreed in theory, you haven’t stopped. If you can’t figure out a way to keep your hands to yourself, I’m going to leave the conversation.” It’s a very basic principle, not touching someone who’s asked not to be touched, and your mother is absolutely capable of respecting it.
Q. In-laws avoiding my child’s party: While attempting to confirm all RSVPs for my child’s party, I checked with my sister-in-law, while her brother (my husband) checked with his mother. We received two different reasons why they would not attend our child’s birthday party in a week. I’m not upset that they can’t attend; either reason given would have been fine. But the fact that those reasons don’t match makes us wonder if they are deliberately trying to avoid going. (We would have been fine with a “Sorry, not feeling it, give my love” sort of answer. We get the need to have a quiet weekend without screaming kids.) The question is, do we confront them about it, or do we pretend we didn’t notice the two excuses? My husband isn’t on the best of terms with his family, so this just cements the feeling that we should exclude them in further family invitations. On the opposite side, his mother becomes quite vexed when we decline invitations due to time, finances, or distance, saying that we “never see her” and “she wants more time with us.”
A: Pretend you didn’t notice! It’s possible that both excuses are true, assuming they’re not somehow contradictory or mutually exclusive. And since you say you’d understand if the real reason were just “We love the kids but we’re not up for a birthday party full of screaming, overexcited children next weekend,” I don’t see any point in trying to force them to admit it, especially since you’re not interested in trying to get them to change their minds about the status of their RSVP. That doesn’t mean that you have to endure any lectures from your mother-in-law if you’re not able to say yes to all of her invitations, though. Something like “I’m sorry to hear that—let us know if you’re able to come down for a visit sometime next month. We’re free on ____ and _____” is a perfectly caring response to “I never see you.”
Q. Re: Wills: Do not deviate from the terms of a will, trust, or nonprobate asset’s distribution rules without speaking to an attorney and a tax professional first. You have no idea of the implications of that.
If, after doing so, the letter writer is convinced there are no negative consequences, then she’s free to make a decision. Also, her dad made his decision for a reason. What the letter writer is doing is overriding his decision to do with his money what he wanted. She needs to understand that. It is possible Dad knew things about the letter writer’s sister that they do not. It’s supremely reckless advice to tell her to go ahead and split it without further, serious consideration.
A: I will cheerfully concede having answered the question not as a legal professional but with an eye toward the underlying moral quandary, and that to proceed without consulting a lawyer would be reckless. Consult a lawyer!
Q. Re: Mommy issues: This is a much bigger problem than the touching. I have a mom with boundary issues too (not physical in my case). She is doing this because she doesn’t believe that you are an adult with agency who deserves to have boundaries respected. She will never understand you because parents like this are incapable of getting it. The only thing I can recommend is rigorous enforcement of boundaries, up to and including cutting visits short every time it happens until she realizes she can no longer get away with it. Good luck!
A: There’s a kind of empathy trap in situations like these sometimes, I fear, where the person whose boundaries are being eroded worries that they can’t “really” get mad about it because they understand why the boundary-eroder doesn’t think their boundaries “really matter”: “I’m your mother,” “It’s just a tag,” “What’s the big deal,” “Other mothers do this all the time,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I’ve been doing it for years,” etc. I agree with much of your reply, although I do also think the touching is itself a big problem—it doesn’t have to be symptomatic of something else in order to be taken seriously.
Q. Re: Wills: There are very real financial implications for dividing 50-50 that the letter writer should consider. Legally, the money goes to her, and she will pay taxes on it. Something to consider is for her to instead place some of her inheritance in a trust for her sister that can only be used for stipulated causes. Depending on the state she’s in, she can go so far as to plan that funds only go directly to specific entity (e.g., landlord, physician, etc) and any refunds are returned to the trust.
A: That’s an excellent suggestion. Thank you! Others have pointed out that it’s going against the letter writer’s father’s wishes, which I find much less persuasive. It’s worth acknowledging that I think the practice of divvying up one’s money at death to be spread among one’s children is a bad practice in general and don’t have much interest in maintaining the will of the deceased when it comes to making sure one kid only gets 25 percent of their cash while another kid gets 75 percent. That’s a real bias of mine!
Danny M. Lavery: Thanks, everyone! If you’re a lawyer and you have suggestions on ending the practice of fiercely guarding private property along family lines, let us know. See you next week!
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
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From How to Do ItQ. My ex-boyfriend emailed me a jaw-dropping confession: I’m a 27-year-old straight woman. I recently dated a man for several months who was odd about sex—he frequently mentioned that he had a small penis (which he did) and that oral sex was what made him a good lover. I don’t particularly care for oral sex, but I cared for him very much. There were a lot of problems in the relationship outside of sex—he had a bit of a cruel streak, and then there would be an apology spiral—and we eventually broke up. I have moved on and am dating a lovely man, but yesterday my ex sent me an email saying that he was bottoming for men he met online the whole time we were dating. He said he’s straight but curious, and he felt he needed me to know, and wanted me to accept him. (I didn’t get any STIs from him, and he said he used protection.) I’m sort of floored: I’m not sure why he told me, and what this meant about our months together, which loom larger in my mind than they probably should. I think he should embrace his sexuality, but how am I supposed to respond to this information? He was an asshole and made me feel terrible as a girlfriend, but I’m thinking that he has a lot of repressed sexual shit and I want to be there for him to realize it. What do I say? Read more and see what Stoya had to say.
Danny M. Lavery’s new book, Something That May Shock and Discredit You, is out now.
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