I’m Pretty Sure My Husband Would Appreciate It If I Cheated on Him With Other Men

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Every week, the crew responds to a bonus question in chat form.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for around 10 years, and have always had very mismatched sex drives, as well as different feelings about sex overall. This isn’t about “mating in captivity” getting boring (though captivity certainly hasn’t helped). I knew this problem existed from the outset, and I love him for a million other reasons. I’m a woman, and I have a very high, kinky sex drive, while he leans toward a five-to-10-minute session every month or two, after which I finish myself off while he spoons me. It sucks! I’ve tried to urge, coax, entice, or whatever him to try harder, but he just can’t fake much interest. He also hasn’t put in the time to get to know my body well enough to, say, go down on me properly. He doesn’t even like receiving blowjobs! The rest of the time, I’m on my own, and since it’s never really satisfying, I’m on my own a lot. (Like, multiple times a day, and I’m 41. I’m busy! This is inconvenient!) Anyway, I adore him, we have young children, and I would never want to blow up our relationship—yet I am in a state of constant sexual frustration, and that undermines our relationship, and my quality of life. I develop crushes on just about any guy who holds my gaze for too long. I’m desperate, in other words.

Well. In the past year or two he has made comments to the effect of “I don’t mind if you cheat on me, just don’t let me find out. I’d get too jealous!” I also know that he has had friends in this situation, and he really did think it was OK for them to go outside their marriages, if it made the marriages stronger in the long run. I did not agree at the time, but I sure see his point now! Anyway, I am stumped about where this leaves me, morally. I believe he means what he says in the moments when he says it, but is that enough? I would consider an open relationship at this point (never would have before, but: desperate). The thing is that every piece of advice I’ve ever read is that both partners need to have their eyes open and be on the same page, and he absolutely doesn’t want that. So does it make me a rotten cheater if I eventually do go ahead? I fear that even raising the subject could defeat the purpose, and he’d start worrying about why I was suddenly asking. So what next?

—Captive

Stoya: One thing our writer can control is her self-pleasure. There’s masturbating to take the edge off, and then there’s taking some serious time with yourself and engaging in teasing and prolonged sustained pleasure.

Rich: Do you think that will yield the satisfaction that has eluded her?

Stoya: I think there’s a good chance that she might get some more significant relief. And, unlike her husband’s enthusiasm, this is something she can change on her own.

Rich: I get the sense, though, that there’s a good possibility that she will continue to desire sex with others. In a way, the proposition her husband gave her is a tease. “You can do this … but not if I find out.” It’s an invitation to sneak around, and practically a dare not to get caught while doing so. There is something to be said for the pragmatism of the arrangement. If one person’s side sex in no way interferes with their sex life with their partner, why not? But ultimately, this is like asking someone to create their own landmine.

Stoya: It’s the opposite of the openness and forthrightness we generally recommend.

Rich: There are definitely open scenarios predicated on a don’t-ask, don’t-tell policy, but this particular one puts way too much responsibility on her to tiptoe around him.

Stoya: Those policies aren’t something I have much knowledge of.

Rich: I’ve had varying degrees of don’t-ask, don’t-tell, but it can be hard to adhere to entirely, because sometimes you have to tell, like in the event of an STI. And that situation has a way of exposing the logical shortcomings of your open relationship’s guiding philosophy. It’s like … what’s really the issue here? Somehow sex with other people is OK, but honesty isn’t? It can end up feeling pretty backward.

Stoya: Would you do a don’t-ask, don’t-tell again?

Rich: There are times when my current boyfriend would rather not know things, but he’s never not aware of the possibility of me hooking up outside of our relationship. I think at this point, I have to at least have the understanding of this possibility, and the opportunity to discuss attendant issues, if not the horny details. I couldn’t function in a state of total ambiguity. Imposed illusion makes it harder to talk about things that must be talked about.

Stoya: That’s a very important point. And I’m also hearing that it’s reasonable to require some amount of open communication before proceeding.

Rich: I mean, look, she has her husband’s permission. He’s basically created a policy that she could theoretically live by and then point to if needed. Of course, getting to the point of needing to do so would in fact violate the policy.

Stoya: I agree that she’s clear to proceed if she feels comfortable, but I’m not sure she does.

Rich: I think this sort of arrangement would work for one-offs. She’s out of town at a conference, she meets someone hot, they bang, they never see each other again. No moral baggage—she did what she was allowed. If she doesn’t contract an STI, there’s no reason to ever bring it up. The problem is that one encounter, or a few scattered, may be equally unsatisfying. I don’t see this sort of setup as sustainable.

Stoya: I wonder if she’s sat down to think through her ideal sexual relationship. Both ideal-ideal, and ideal within this marriage.

Rich: That’s also a great point. There’s something about not being satisfied that leaves you with a knot of potentials—you know you want something, but everything seems so unobtainable that you might not even envision exactly what gratification might entail.

Stoya: She might be in a better position to decide whether pursuing outside relationships is right for her, which can be really, really difficult when you’re desperate.

Rich: Completely. So you think her next step is to envision that which she might want to manifest?

Stoya: I think that’s a good starting point.

Rich: I think maybe revisiting the topic would be useful. The husband’s policy is very difficult to adhere to and carefully examining its logic and his own concerns could be useful.

Stoya: For sure. Especially since she expresses doubt about the permanence of his permission.

Rich: Just seems like if she doesn’t get more clarity, the morality of the situation and what she owes him is going to continue to be opaque.

Stoya: It feels unfair of him to leave her to navigate that murkiness on her own.

Rich: Yeah, his lack of commitment there may be indicative of something bigger in his overall attitude.

More How to Do It

I’m married to a man I adore, and we have an incredible sex life that I wouldn’t change for the world: passionate, fun, multiple orgasms per session. However, while my body is overjoyed, my mind is struggling. My husband is slightly shorter than average, and his dick is slightly smaller than average as well. This is something I’ve always known and has never impacted our sex life. But I had a friend complaining about a below-average-sized lover, and it got me all in my head. Now when I look at my husband in bed, I can’t not notice that he’s smaller.

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