Danny is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. Adult picky eater: I suffer from a food restriction disorder—my sense of “disgust” (colloquial term) is heightened and I’m highly sensitive to food textures and smells. I’ve always been a little picky but was diagnosed with the disorder a few years ago, in tandem with severe anxiety. I manage it fairly well now. However, I just moved in with my partner, who has a much more adventurous palate.
My food issues are causing problems. My partner knew a couple growing up who ate two different meals every night and my partner finds this absurd. We are trying to merge our cooking styles but the result is that neither one of us are really happy with the food. My partner has been pressuring me to try more foods that I genuinely hate, which just increases my anxiety around eating. I’ve tried to explain this is a diagnosed disorder. My partner just thinks I’m being spoiled, petulant, and inflexible. It’s starting to take a toll on our relationship. I would hate for this otherwise wonderful relationship to be destroyed by my food issues, but I don’t know how to get my partner off my back about eating disgusting things. If I don’t like something, my partner makes me feel bad about throwing it away because of food waste, so I have to secretly throw it away when they’re at work. This whole situation feels horrible. What can I do?
A: “It’s absurd for us to eat separate meals, and it’s stupid of you to have food aversions, and it’s wrong of you to throw away the food I’m trying to force you to eat but that you can’t choke down. Get over it!”—what a horrible thing to say to your partner. No wonder you feel horrible! There is no room in your partner’s vision of your relationship where you are simply allowed to take responsibility for your own food sensitivities and eat what you enjoy and can safely, comfortably finish. Either you “shake off” your restriction disorder through a regimen of shame and coercion, or you admit that you’re a petulant, inflexible person.
This is awful, controlling, exhausting, and degrading, and it should take a toll on your relationship. If your partner doesn’t get a grip, apologize for his behavior, and respect that this is not a part of your life or your body that you can simply excise or rearrange to suit his purposes, then you should break up with him. I realize you just moved in together, and that you otherwise love him, but food is such a huge, everyday issue, and you’ve already made it very clear that this is a diagnosed disorder, that you’re not trying to make him eat in accordance with your needs, only yourself. “[Your] food issues” are not what’s causing problems in this relationship, but your partner’s control issues certainly are. You deserve better than this.
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Q. Pulling my hair out: Ever since I was a kid, I’ve struggled with bad habits that may be a tad compulsive. First thumb sucking, then nail biting, and now varying degrees of hair pulling. Whenever I sit down to work or relax, my hand immediately goes to my scalp and I start pulling. Prudie, it’s a disgusting habit! By the time I realize what I’m doing, I already have a small clump of hair lying beside me, but I still can’t manage to stop.
I’m not happy that I’m doing it, yet there’s still something weirdly satisfying about it. The only other time that it’s been this bad was when I was struggling with mental health issues in high school and accidentally pulled my eyebrows out. The only reason I stopped that first time was because there was literally nothing left to pull out. I’d prefer not to get to that point now! Thankfully I have incredibly thick hair so it’s not noticeable yet, but I’m starting to worry that it will be soon. What should I do to stop this? I’m in university now, so finals are stressing me out but otherwise I’m incredibly happy. Is this something that I should go to therapy for?
A: The desire to compulsively pull one’s hair is known as trichotillomania and is often (but not always) connected to anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive. It’s also very difficult to stop on your own, so I definitely agree that therapy is the next move here. If your university offers on-campus mental health services (which may be remote now), that’s one option; if you’re on your parents’ health insurance you can also look for a therapist in-network there. Some people’s trichotillomania responds to medication (there’s no medication specifically for hair-pulling, to be clear, but some anti-anxiety and antidepressants prove useful), others to cognitive-behavioral therapy, habit-reversal training, support groups, etc. Asking for help breaking a cycle will go a lot further than trying to berate yourself for doing something “disgusting” (which usually only results in self-loathing, followed by a need for self-soothing, which usually results in an urge to start hair-pulling). You’ve connected this behavior to past mental health crises, so take it as a signal that you need more help and support than you’re currently getting, not as proof that you’re gross. Good luck.
Q. An old bully of mine just died of COVID: This weekend, a former color guard instructor of mine from college died of COVID. She was very well-respected, accomplished, and a gifted teacher. She offered great friendship, support, and technical instruction to hundreds of performers all over the country.
I was not one of them. Like all skilled abusers, she never let loose her worst insults in front of witnesses, so the most any of my fellow students thought I had to complain about was just not being one of her favorites. When I found out, I cried and cried again after reading her glowing obituary. My emotions are all over the map—jealousy over her accomplishments and popularity, relief that I’m out of that orbit and she can’t make anyone else as miserable as she made me, sadness over the loss for the community and her friends and family, and gratitude for my own relationships. I feel bad for everyone who loved her and have no intention of complaining about her mistreatment online, but I do want to feel less alone. I can’t possibly be the only one to whom she was cruel. At the same time, I feel like maybe the best thing would be to just let it go. Who knows what 2021 holds and thinking about that could be a waste of energy. Any advice on dealing with conflicting emotions after the death of a bully?
A: Part of the solution here is incredibly simple—you just get to feel whatever you want to feel about this woman, for as long as you want. You’re not taking anything away from her friends and relatives by acknowledging the pain she caused you. The trickier part is figuring out how, when, and with whom you want to discuss her bullying. I think you’re right to want to keep these conversations out of the public eye, at least for now, since I’m not sure you’ve had these conversations with anyone just yet. Rather than searching for others she victimized (which you may want to do in the future, if you think you know how to do so safely and without intruding into the lives of anyone who doesn’t want to talk to you about it), I think you should start by being honest about the ways she victimized you with the people in your own life, even if they never knew her. (I’ll throw in a therapy recommendation, too.) But this is not a waste of energy. You’re experiencing a complicated sort of grief/freedom/relief over the death of someone who truly hurt you, and there’s nothing wasteful, shocking, or inappropriate about that.
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Q. In-law unit help: My son is at college and his former high-school boyfriend, “Max,” still has a year to go before graduation. They broke up but are still friends. Max lives nearby. Max has had it hard because of his new stepmother, “Nadine” (she isn’t actually married to Max’s father but she introduces herself that way). Nadine has two boys herself, 10 and 12. They are destructive, no other word for it. Back in the spring, there was a neighborhood block party where one of the boys lost a game on his Switch, got frustrated, and threw it on the ground. It broke. He screamed his head off for his mother to “fix it.” Nadine made Max go into the house and give his own Switch to her son. Then she made a comment about how awful it was to have a stepson who was an only child because he never learned how to share. Max’s father is fairly useless and his mother is moving now.
Max has asked if he can “rent” our basement to store his consoles, games, and computer stuff and use them in peace. It has a separate entry and a different lock. Both my son and daughter used it as a private area until they went off to college. My son is for it and told me that Max has a pretty expensive collection, and that Nadine will let her sons destroy everything. My husband and I are fond of Max but my husband thinks it is “overstepping” to have Max in our basement all the time and we would be going over his parents’ heads.
Max has one more semester of high school. He is a sweet boy, but I don’t want to have a feud going with Nadine—she seems the type and it looks like she and her sons have moved in for the long haul. What should we do?
A: If this were a case of Max’s physical safety or emotional wellbeing and he needed a place to stay, I’d encourage you to give him the basement (without charging rent). But since this is a question of his (admittedly important to him!) possessions, in your position, I would encourage him to rent a small storage unit or get a safe/lockbox he can use in his own room until he can leave for college. This is frustrating (and will probably damage Max’ relationship with his father in the long run, if he continues to look the other way), but not an emergency, so if you want to avoid an unnecessary feud with Nadine, that’s probably the best way forward. That said, if he wants to keep a few things at your house for five months, it doesn’t sound like it will inconvenience you much. You’re not using the space now, and he won’t be filling it to capacity with old office equipment. But if things do escalate, you might want to consider offering Max the occasional place to crash. At some point a light feud might become inevitable, so consider at what point you might be willing to accept conflict with Nadine as a necessary evil. That doesn’t mean you have to go announce anything to her, or go looking for trouble, but be ready should trouble turn up on your doorstep, demanding everyone hand over their computers for her sons to destroy.
Q. Exhausted: My mother was an extreme wild child when she was young and even ran off to join a cult in California when she was 18. She regrets all of it and has made my life miserable trying to keep me on a “better path.” I have a brother a year younger than me and a brother a year older. They could slack off on chores and school and even talk to girls, while I got grounded for less. The nickname I had in high school was “the nun.” It was always her house, her rules, and “you can go live somewhere else if you don’t like that.” I secretly saved money from tutoring and did just that the day after my 18th birthday. It was one of my proudest moments even if it did destroy my relationship with my mother. She didn’t speak to me for two whole years.
I am 22 now, going to school, and working full-time. I live with my boyfriend and never ask my mother for money ever. She constantly offers but uses it as a means of control. My older brother has a baby and my mother makes every decision for him and his girlfriend. I don’t want to cut my mother off again but she constantly makes remarks about my spending habits. For my late November birthday, my boyfriend got me diamond earrings and all my mother could say was that if he put it on credit and didn’t pay it off, it could ruin my life. I told her she doesn’t get a say anymore on what does or doesn’t have the potential to hurt me. She started to cry and called me cruel. She is just “looking out” for me. We had plans to try and see each other for Christmas by social distancing in the backyard. I am exhausted right now. Help.
A: Don’t go see your mother for Christmas! Be exhausted! Treat your exhaustion seriously, and keep your distance from people who consistently and intentionally attempt to erode your sense of autonomy, who constantly harp on your personal choices, and who seek to manipulate you. Trying to please your mother doesn’t make her happy, so don’t fear her displeasure.
I realize you say you don’t want to cut her off, but this is a woman who stopped speaking to you for two years because you moved out of the house at 18, an incredibly commonplace thing for an 18-year-old to do. The thing you are proudest of (earning your own money, achieving a long-term goal, having a place of your own) is the thing that “ruined” your relationship with her. She calls you cruel when you tell her, “Don’t tell me that my boyfriend’s birthday present will ruin my life; we’re making our own financial decisions.” You can always decide to try again with her later if that’s important to you, but pay attention to your own exhaustion right now, and take it seriously. Skip Christmas in her backyard.
Q. All bi myself: I’m a 16-year-old sophomore. I’m bisexual and sadly have not had the best experiences in my homophobic town. I’ve told only a few other people about my sexuality and recently gathered the courage to come out to my long-term best friend. She also came out to be me as bisexual! While this was great for my coming-out anxiety, it was not great for my feelings for her. Now that I know there’s a chance (even if it’s miniscule), it’s hard for me to stop thinking about her romantically. There are a few signs she feels the same way, but not glaringly obvious ones. Another issue with the whole situation is that her family is very Mormon. While her mother is relatively liberal, she’s less certain about her father’s acceptance. I was the first person she had ever come out to, and while it’s unlikely, it’s not impossible that if she came out to her family she could get kicked out. Basically, even if she wanted to date, we would have to date in the closet and I couldn’t legally drive us to said dates until a few months in the future. Should I risk telling her my feelings for a relationship in the closet or rejection? Or should I keep my feelings close to my chest and wait?
A: You might find it easier to think about these possibilities with your best friend. If, for example, she doesn’t feel the same way, you might experience some medium-term pain and regret, but you’ll also be relieved of the anguish of uncertainty, and you won’t have to worry about how her father might handle a relationship between the two of you. If she does, and you both want to date and share some of the same anxieties, you’ll be better-equipped to decide what next steps feel manageable if you decide on them together. Acknowledging you both care for each other romantically does not mean you have to start planning a coming-out day or even a first date right away—it just means you’re on the same page and have a better foundation for future conversations. My vote is for talking to her, especially since you’re thinking about this a lot of the time already. But if you decide to wait a few months, I don’t think you’ll do yourself any lasting harm, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make a declaration today.
Q. Gift-giving: I’m having trouble figuring out how to shop for my sister’s boyfriend. My sister has known him for three years, dated for about a year and a half, and they are about to get engaged. None of us are in a career stage where we get big gifts for people. I have a bunch of stuff I think they both would like, but there are some things I think only my sister would like. I don’t really know her boyfriend enough to get him things only he would like. I just know my sister well enough to get her more specific gifts. Do I get them a bunch of shared presents? Do I spend more on my sister or an equal amount on both? What am I supposed to do here?
A: You have multiple presents for the two of them as a couple, and a few that are just for her—I think you’ve already gone above and beyond in the holiday shopping department. Give them their many gifts this year, and feel free to scale back in the future. Next year, if you want to give them a gift each, you can always ask your sister what she thinks her boyfriend might like. But you’re doing fine—more than fine—and don’t need to worry about getting him a fifth or sixth present just because the others are mostly for both of them.
If you can’t stand the idea of showing up without one gift that’s just for him, get him a gift certificate to a local coffee shop or restaurant and a friendly card; it’s sort of impersonal but at least ticks the box of “his very own present.”
Q. Scared of the end: My partner and I have been together for a year and living together for a few months. We would never have moved in together so soon if it weren’t for COVID, but it’s been great—we’re both really happy. Whenever it’s safe, I’ll have to move to another state for work, and my partner hopes to move abroad. I really don’t want to break up, but it seems inevitable because my partner is very hesitant about long-distance. I feel guilty that the pandemic has given me these months of happiness, and guilty that I don’t want it to end. How do I become less scared of a future in a new place without the person I love?
A: You can start by not punishing yourself for enjoying the unexpected time you’ve gotten to live together. You two had to move in because the world was upended by a pandemic. The fact that you’ve enjoyed living together doesn’t mean you secretly wish you could lock your partner in a tower and keep them from ever moving away. It just means that you experienced a silver lining to a terrible year.
I don’t think you can completely rid yourself of fear or grief over a likely breakup that you don’t want, but you can at least speak honestly about what the future may hold together. Does your partner see any alternatives to breaking up once you two can’t live together? Would either of you be interested in seeing other people but leaving the door open for a possible future reconciliation, should circumstances permit them? Even if you only manage to confirm that your relationship has an expiration date, it might help to lose that sense of uncertainty.
Q. Re: Pulling my hair out: Fellow trich sufferer here, and boy do I relate. I get the feeling of almost not wanting to stop. My mom would try to grab my hand to stop me from pulling on my hair when I was little and it made me want to pull more. Some things that have helped (in addition to therapy): wearing a hat when I’m working or watching TV; having ribbons to rub for the texture; hand toys like fidget cubes or silly putty. This isn’t particularly rare; you are not alone. This doesn’t mean anything bad about you.
A: Thanks so much for this reminder that it’s not something wholly unique or shameful to the letter writer. Lots of people deal with stress, anxiety, or emotional upheavals by doing something that feels good; grooming usually feels good, and once you’ve developed a habit that relieves stress or satisfies an urge, it can be really difficult to just stop on solitary willpower.
It can be surprisingly easy to reform some habits with help and coaching, but it’s not an overnight fix either. Alternatives to hair-pulling can be great (like fidget cubes, etc.) but especially if they feel to the sufferer like a new source of comfort, relaxation, and stress relief. If you feel like you’re just trying to deny yourself the thing that feels good (hair-pulling in this instance) with no substitution or no other attention to the part of yourself that’s desperate for comfort or relief, then you’ll likely feel deprived, thwarted, and agitated. If you take it easy on yourself, look for other things that make you genuinely feel good (not like, “If you want to pull your hair, try doing a bunch of pushups instead, so you’re accomplishing a virtuous-but-boring-and-strenuous task”).
Q. Update—Re: Company credit card: I just wanted to say thank you so much to Danny and the commenters for the advice. I was able to work with my boss to come up with a solution, and I avoided telling her about my credit card issues (which would have almost certainly gotten me fired; it’s a weird industry). My boss is a total snob, so I told her I have to walk too far and take public transportation on my way to work and that I was worried the card would get stolen. The company card has a really high limit so she agreed, and she was OK with me using my own cards and applying for reimbursement like almost every other employee.
The card is partially for travel, so we decided to give it to one of my assistants to hold onto (I have two assistants—one who mostly books travel/events and does scheduling, and one who helps me with day-to-day things). Now that my assistant has the card, it’s out of sight, out of mind, and I don’t even think about it. Even though I probably wouldn’t have actually used the card (and thus committed a crime), it would’ve driven me crazy if I had it in the house, so this worked out. Thanks again!
A: I’m so glad that you were able to find a solution that neither imperiled your position at work nor put you in an untenable position at home. Congratulations on leveraging your boss’ snobbery—that was deftly managed and well done!
Danny M. Lavery: And that will do it for today! Thanks, everybody!
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From Care and FeedingQ. Johnny do it: Our son is 19 months old. Until a month ago, we would have described him as sweet, silly, extremely adaptable, and spirited yet low-key. In the past few weeks we have entered the “Johnny do it!” phase with a vengeance. He is nearly unrecognizable. He won’t drink milk he didn’t pour himself. He won’t let us put him in his high chair, get him dressed, bathe him, even open a string cheese for him.
Obviously he can’t do any of these things himself, so our mornings and evenings (he’s in a wonderful day care—they say he hasn’t changed at all) feel like one long meltdown. We are working hard to help him through this phase. Showing him the steps to complete everyday tasks like putting on his Velcro shoes; giving him every opportunity to do things independently and praising him like crazy; modeling asking for help. Still, we end up in these awful meltdowns multiple times a day. Read what Nicole Cliffe had to say.
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