Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a supremely low-stakes question that has nonetheless been bugging me for a while. What is a good way to refer to one’s daughter’s, well, crotch? I tried to teach the use of “vagina,” but despite my prolonged efforts, it just hasn’t seemed to stick. I don’t know if it’s just too odd a word for them or what. Besides, it’s anatomically incorrect anyway, which just kind of irks at me. In the meanwhile, they’ve somehow formed the unshakable belief that this area is called their “booty-butt” (?) which … is both incorrect and confusing. For context, they’re preschool and primary school age. I think they might be hearing a lot of different confusing terms for this whole area. I would love to be able to counteract this with one clear, not-anatomically-incorrect, and hopefully not too giggle-inducing word. It needs to be precise—we already use “underwear area” when talking about privacy, consent, etc. and that works well, but it encompasses the butt too. I need a term that specifically indicates “crotch” without being ‘crotch’ (ugh) or ‘vagina.’ For more context, I need to use this word when we talk about proper cleaning, and when I am trying to figure out if there are any pains that might be associated with urinary issues. Any ideas?
—Please Save Me From the Booty-Butt
Dear Save Me.,
So is “vulva” out? I mean, it’s boring, but it is accurate. Man, I hate that “pussy” is considered obscene because it’s definitely the cutest word for vulva that our inherently misogynistic language has! Of your requirements—“clear,” “not-anatomically-incorrect” and “not too giggle inducing” —I think you get to pick two. Embrace the giggles, they’re inevitable! I love the idea of making up your own word, or letting them make one up. It has to be a fully invented word, not “booty-butt,” which clearly refers to the butt. Ayun Halliday used the word “bukiluki” with her daughter, and if I’d had a daughter, I would have totally stolen that. Unfortunately, both of my children were born with what they cannot be dissuaded from calling their “wee-wees.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have two boys, 5 and 2. Our oldest has always been picky and more emotional, and we catered to him a bit when he was smaller as he was our first. Now with him and his brother running around, things are faster and everything is more of a compromise between the two of them. Recently my oldest has been having the biggest freak-outs over seemingly anything. What is really difficult is that he seems to become completely immobilized with indecision.
What do you want for breakfast? Complete meltdown. Do you want a blue plate or a green? Cue 30-minute tantrum about how he doesn’t know. We can’t pick either. I have tried no options, two options. Talking about it ahead of time. I really don’t know how to get him to move on once he gets going. It’s really hard to anticipate and avoid issues, too, since it could be almost anything that upsets him. Another issue is how my husband and I think it should be handled. My husband will talk it through with him and try to work out a solution. Which is great but it takes 30-to-40 minutes. I will try to work it out for 5-to-10 minutes then let him cry until he calms down and we can move on. My husband doesn’t love my method because it leaves my son sobbing/screaming for a half-hour, but I can’t just pause everything to hold his hand. Is there a middle ground? Will he grow out of it? Is it a sign something bigger is going on?
— Decisions Are Hard
Dear Decisions,
Well, something bigger is going on. I don’t know exactly how that something is manifesting in your families’ lives, but these are trying times, and no one is at their best right now. I’m not saying that your son’s mood would definitely be better if we weren’t heading into the second winter of a global pandemic, but it can’t be helping.
Your sensitive kid needs help managing his huge feelings, but that’s hard to do on an ongoing basis as you and your husband meet your other kid’s needs, as well as your own. There’s nothing wrong with the hand-holding approach when there’s time and space for it, but I think you’re right to be pragmatic about letting him scream it out when there’s not. When a kid is having those hair-trigger tantrums, the solution is usually about managing his anxiety in long-term and holistic ways, like making sure food and sleep and downtime are as consistently scheduled as possible. I also think some older siblings find their younger siblings really overstimulating, even if they love playing together—this has definitely been the case in our house! See if you can bake some separate time into your family’s morning and evening routines, rather than having both parents tag-team whoever is currently making the biggest ruckus. It’s not easy but it’s not forever—at least, I hope not!
· If you missed Sunday’s Care and Feeding column, read it here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
There are lot of things to unpack here. My brother is getting married. We come from an Indian family where the wedding engagement is a huge event where the two families are introduced to each other. “Bride to be” and “groom to be” will be completely dressed up (Bollywood style) and you expect half of your wedding guests to be present. Due to immigration and job situations, the bride’s father is planning to arrive during Christmas time and stay for 3 weeks. The two families want to do the engagement function on January 2. Since it is the height of the pandemic, I suggested a virtual event where we could hold all the event related activities virtually. My brother is heartbroken that I and my family (husband, 9-year-oldand 1-year-old kids) are avoiding being part of his (second) big day. Many families in the community have been conducting in-person (with some COVID protocols) weddings, funerals, and church functions. So there is societal pressure for a function. I do want to be part of his day, but Jan 2 is on a Saturday and there is no way we have any holiday days left to quarantine if there is an exposure.
I’m currently finishing up a quarantine (we tested negative) due to my same brother being COVID positive. He was asymptomatic and had an easy quarantine. I’m doubtful whether that will be our case. I lost my project (I work in a lab) and had to be moved to another department to continue my work from home during these 14 days. I had just returned to my work (in November) after taking months of unpaid leave when the pandemic started to care for my baby. After two weeks of working in November, I had to do 14 days of quarantine. If anything happens in terms of being positive again, I’m doubtful whether my boss will keep me on the job because the lab has functioned for the past 10 months without me. At this time, we are honestly being selfish by suggesting a virtual event. We are asking him to consider alternatives to avoid an in-person event. But it looks like the relationship has turned sour over our demand. He is heartbroken and avoiding any conversation. My elder sister and my parents are accusing us not doing our best to support my brother.
— Scaredy Cat
Dear Scaredy,
I’m sorry, but your brother is almost certainly going to have his wedding engagement in-person, no matter what you do. All you can control in this situation is your own behavior, and you already know that you can’t possibly attend any large gathering in person. At best, I think he might find a way to include your family virtually. But even that seems like too much to expect of him.
It’s really awful that your older sister and your parents are siding with your brother. I know it’s probably not very comforting to hear this, but they’re in the wrong here, and you’re not being “selfish”—you’re avoiding endangering yourself and other people. Once the dust clears here, your family members may see the error of their ways, and I hope that once they do, they’ll ask for your forgiveness.
For more of Slate’s parenting coverage, listen to Mom and Dad Are FightingDear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are in our late thrities and have not started a family. The past few years have been challenging for us financially and career-wise while he has been in graduate school, so we were in agreement that the time was not right and we would wait until he finished. However, the course that was meant to be 2.5 years has turned into 4, and now I will be 40 by the time he is done in 18 months. When he started school, I was expecting we would be trying for a baby now, not a year and a half from now. We’ve come to a greater level of financial stability this year despite the pandemic, but my husband is still under a high level of stress juggling a placement and freelance work as well as his studies. However, every month that goes by, I get more and more panicked about never becoming pregnant. I know the timing is not ideal, but I have a very flexible employer and a mother who would eagerly help with childcare that will only be living nearby for another two years. Although it would be less stressful if my husband were done with school before having a kid, I know there will always be something else stressful in our lives—if we wait for the timing to be perfect it never will be.
My husband is famously an eleventh-hour type who puts everything off until the last possible minute. We’ve missed out on a lot of silly things because of this—the last restaurant seating, the last performance, etc. But I don’t want to miss out on something so important as the experience of pregnancy and biological parenthood. I also know my husband will have huge regret himself if we wait too long, but that he is pushing it down because he doesn’t want to think about it right now. I am going to speak with a counsellor to deal with my own feelings of anxiety about this, but I am wondering if you have any advice about how to broach this in a way where I am not guilt-tripping him into parenthood, or resources I can share with him that will help him think through this? Whenever I bring the topic up it just seems to cause an argument; he loves kids and will be a great dad, he just seems to think we have more time to wait than we do. I don’t want to resent him for being the reason why I was never able to become pregnant—it would be one thing if it we tried and it didn’t happen. It is another thing to know that it was his choice.
— Waiting Out the Clock
Dear Waiting,
I want to add another layer of complexity to this already thick ball of wax. You say that you know your husband will harbor regret if he misses out on biological parenthood. What if that’s less true than he once thought it was, or is less true than he would like it to be? In any event, it’s clear that something very important to you is currently not high on his list of priorities. From the way you’ve described this situation, it sounds like you would like to be pregnant yesterday and he would like you to be pregnant in two years… maybe. As long as it’s convenient for him. (It won’t be.)
Having a baby—indeed, raising a child—with someone who isn’t as enthusiastic about the enterprise as you are is a big challenge, and even though I don’t know enough about your situation to determine whether that’s the deal here, I think it’s worth considering what you’re willing to sacrifice. Even though it’s deeply unromantic, it’s probably a good idea for everyone who is thinking of having a child to imagine what your spouse would be like as a divorced co-parent, and to imagine the social, material, and psychological resources you’d need to build in order to parent well under those conditions.
It might also be that your husband doesn’t understand how fervently and fiercely you want a baby, in which case, it will be helpful to talk to a couples therapist or some other outside mediator if you can, to prevent the conversation from devolving into an argument.
Maybe that context will help you both see the situation more clearly. It might also help you to answer the next question: If it turns out he’s not on board, what comes next?
— Emily
More Advice From SlateMy very dear friend and her husband asked me and my husband last month to be the guardians of her three young kids if anything should happen to them. After a lot of thought, we declined. We have four kids of our own and we couldn’t afford to take proper care of her children, though we do love them. Since then, my friend has totally iced me! She literally pretends that I’m not in the room, and she won’t ask me for any favors. My husband learned from her husband that they have no living family anywhere close, and they now believe that we don’t care about them or their kids at all. I’m tempted to just apologize and agree to be the guardian (knowing that it’s very unlikely I’ll ever have to), rather than lose my friend. What should I do?
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