Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Is it ever OK to spank? I feel that I already know the answer, which is no. And with two of my children it’s an easy no. But I am at my wit’s end with my middle child. She’s 5 years old, and just like the old rhyme, when she is good, she is very, very good, but when she is bad, she is horrid. She is stubborn, intractably so, and once she sets her mind on doing something, it is nearly impossible to dissuade her. Neither the carrot (compromise or rewards) nor the stick (taking away toys/activities) has any effect; I could threaten to cancel a trip to Disney or shred her favorite doll (I’ve done neither, FYI) and she would shrug and continue her bad behavior. I always follow through on threats and promises with all my children, so she knows I’m serious. But she doesn’t care; she’s an immovable mountain. Inevitably we must physically remove her from the situation, and almost sit on her while she then screams for an hour.
I do not like using physical force on my children, even just dragging her into her room feels awful and wrong. Twice I have spanked her in situations where I needed her to listen and follow my instruction in that moment because I simply ran out of options. Even typing that it sounds lame, surely there must be more options than a swat on the bum. Yet sometimes dinner is burning, babies need tending, a million other things are going on, and I need her to stop trying to shave the cat and go to her room to calm down! Please help me. I don’t demand or expect total obedience from my children but when one refuses to accept no as an answer (and sometimes the answer must be no), I can feel the power balance shifting between us and I don’t want to turn her into the black sheep of our little family.
—Out of Options in Ontario
Dear OOO,
To answer your initial question, no, I don’t think it’s ever OK to spank your kids. However, I’m not here to start a debate out here about that topic, because that’s not really why we’re here, since you answered your question yourself.
So let’s talk about what you can do instead. From what you describe, your daughter is a carbon copy of my youngest daughter when she was 5 years old. My daughter at 5 years old was headstrong and stubborn, and she displayed ridiculously bad behavior on occasion (and those were just the starting points). Like you, I tried the carrot and the stick, as you put it—and nothing seemed to work. But then I had an epiphany.
What if I ignored her?
What did your parents tell you when you were bullied by other kids? If they were anything like my parents, they said, “Ignore them.” What’s the advice for how to handle bullying online? “Don’t feed the trolls” (or, ignore them).
Do you know what my kid, your kid, bullies, and online trolls have in common? They desperately want attention, and they feed off of getting a rise out of their “victims.” When I decided to ignore my daughter, everything changed. Yes, she went Code Red insane in the beginning to push my buttons, but I held firm, acted like I didn’t care, and went about my business. Eventually she figured out that acting like a banshee wasn’t going to work, and she ended up transforming into a much calmer little girl.
So here’s what I would do if I were you: If your daughter is doing something dangerous that could harm herself or others, calmly remove her from that situation, put her in a safe space “time out,” and calmly (see the pattern here?) tell her why that behavior is wrong. If she’s not doing anything dangerous, well, then, let her be. If she pitches a fit, don’t threaten her, or offer her goodies if she stops—just ignore her. The first tantrum may last hours, but don’t break down. Let her figure out on her own that acting out will get her nowhere. If you’re consistent, she should get with the program without you needing to resort to anger.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We had our first baby during this pandemic. Everything we had planned for the last trimester went out the window, but thankfully, he’s happy and healthy. We basically didn’t leave the house for the three months before labor, but loosened things up after delivery by doing some outdoor, socially distanced visits with friends and family so people could meet the baby. The distance has been very difficult for the grandparents to accept. I would love to form a “pod” with them (ugh, hate that word), as a lot of our friends have done. We could really use the help!
But we’re not on the same page as the grandparents about what constitutes risky behavior and good judgment during COVID. This includes things like getting haircuts, nonessential shopping, wearing masks 100 percent of the time when indoors with others, etc. They all insist they’re being very careful, but in conversations, there’s always some behavior or outing that I’m not comfortable with.
We’re regularly fielding messages and calls asking if they can hold the baby on the next visit, waxing about “a grandmother’s love,” and questioning our decisions. I get this situation is crummy. It’s awful for us! It’s awful for college students, parents of school-aged children, people who’ve lost their jobs—but here we are. I just don’t see a path forward. I don’t trust their judgment, and I don’t want to interrogate them about what they’ve been doing/whom they’ve been seeing every time we interact. They already say we’re “bossing them around” when we talk about COVID risk. I also think they might lie about their behavior if it meant holding the baby. What do we do here? I hate that this is marring the first months of my son’s life.
—Too Mean Mommy
Dear TMM,
I’m 100 percent on your side here. With 300,000 deaths and millions of infections in the U.S. and counting, COVID is not something to be trifled with, especially when we’re talking about a vulnerable baby—or you, for that matter. How awful would it be if you came down with the virus and became extremely ill or worse? You’re absolutely right: This is a crummy situation for everyone involved, but you need to be the grown-up in the room and tell the grandparents that they can’t hold the baby right now, or for the foreseeable future.
You have every right to boss around the grandparents when it comes to your immediate family. You may hurt their feelings, they may call you melodramatic, they may accuse you of not allowing them to be a part of your son’s life, but you know in your gut that this is the right decision. Millions of new parents in America are going through the same thing right now, so know that you’re not alone.
As a compromise, tell the grandparents that you can meet outdoors in a socially distanced manner wearing masks, but they cannot hold the baby under any circumstances. Apologize for making them upset, but science > feelings.
Also know that you’re not “marring” the first months of your son’s life. You’re doing what any good mom would do, namely, putting your family’s safety first. He’ll be fine, and that’s completely because of you.
• If you missed Monday’s Care and Feeding column, read it here.
• Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a single mother of a 5-year old and an 11-year old, and I have been dating an incredible man for 2½ years. He is kind, supportive, loving, and wonderful to the kids. Our dating relationship has been so good that he has been sheltering in place with us since March because he lost his job due to COVID. While having him here has been great in many ways, living with him during this time has revealed a deal-breaker that makes our relationship unsustainable. His main method of dealing with stress is to drink about it. Like, every day, during nearly every activity, often starting as early as breakfast.
He’ll have a beer while washing dishes, mixed drinks while mowing the lawn, something with meals, take a road soda in the car (not with me and the kids, because I forbid it), and has another mixed drink (or two, or three) in the evenings.
His behavior usually doesn’t degrade, and his treatment of me and the kids doesn’t become negative, but it is clear that he is a functional alcoholic. There have been three incidents when the kids were not with us where he drank excessively, and drunkenly caused inappropriate scenes. While I knew when we didn’t live together that he did drink, I had no idea about the extent of consumption and that his cup was usually full of booze. I have talked to him about it, explained how it affects me and our relationship, expressed my fears and concerns, and set clear boundaries. He acknowledges he has a problem, but nothing changes. The kids went to their dad’s yesterday for the week, and my partner returned from the grocery store in the evening with no real food, but four cases of beer and another case of soda as a mixer. I can’t handle it anymore.
I am devastated at his unwillingness to get help, and wrecked with near daily anxiety about how far he’ll take his drinking today. I know I need to end the relationship for myself and for the kids, and I want to end the relationship before there is any real damage or a drunken incident involving the kids.
My question for you is, how do I address breaking up with my partner with the kids? From their perspective, he’s awesome and loving. He helps them with their homework, takes them kayaking, and loves them like they were his own. He usually drinks alcohol from an opaque cup, so they don’t have a visual of him swilling beers. From an adult perspective, he has a serious illness that is untreated, that he is unwilling to treat, and he is not a stable long-term partner or father figure. Unlike their dad, who when the relationship ended, they still get to see every other week, they will likely never see or interact with my partner again after the breakup. Any advice or insight to work through this difficult process is appreciated.
—Totally Devastated
Dear TD,
My heart goes out to you. As I mentioned in last week’s column, I had a pretty horrible drinking problem a few years ago, and I stood squarely in your partner’s shoes. If I hadn’t been dragged to a therapist back then, who knows what my relationship would be like with my kids today?
Before breaking up with him, I would do what my loved ones did for me by pulling out all of the stops to get him in front of a licensed professional who can help him. The time for asking is over. Demand that he needs to go this week. Do all of the heavy lifting—find/pay for a therapist, sit in on the session virtually or in-person, etc. If he balks at it or makes some excuse not to go, then he has chosen his addiction over you and your family, which means it’s time to walk.
Regarding your kids, this is going to suck for them, but whenever you find yourself doubting why you did it, please remember that it would have just been a matter of time before your partner’s drinking affected your kids’ lives, and not for the better. Tell them that your partner was engaging in behavior that was potentially dangerous for your family, so you couldn’t be around him anymore. Of course your kids will ask more questions, but you don’t need to go into detail, and you can return to the fact this his behavior is unsafe and your job as their mother is to protect them at all costs. You’ll be surprised by how resilient kids are. It may take a while, but they will be OK.
Just remember: If you break up with him, you need to cut all ties. On-again, off-again relationships really mess with the minds of children, so your decision to end it needs to be final.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband is feeling very rejected by my 1-year-old. He’s a very good dad. He feeds and changes the kid regularly. He does naptime and bedtime on the weekends (when he’s not working). He does day care drop-off/pickup several times a week. I think it surprises him when our son shows an obvious preference for me. For instance, our son cries if I hand him over to Dad. My son gets over the upset pretty quickly, but it seems to be taking a toll on my husband.
Here’s my problem. I do not want to be the steward of their relationship. I’ve seen tons of advice on what to do when a kid prefers one parent. I’ve given my husband some of that advice in the form or anecdotes and articles, but I feel like I’ve provided enough of that for him to take the ball and run with it if he wants. He has not run with it. But he continues to be upset about our son preferring me. On my end, I’ve tried to take the advice I’ve read for the preferred parent—openly show affection to the other parent, don’t overreact to the big emotional displays of preference, and give the other parent lots of opportunities to do fun stuff. The preference seems to be getting worse, not better. Can you make any other recommendations? I’m tired of meltdowns when I have to use the restroom. And I’m extremely tired of the sad and resentful looks I get from my husband when my son pushes him away.
—It’s Not Cute Anymore
Dear INCA,
I’ve seen this play out quite often with my fellow dads. As soon as a child prefers Mom over him, these dads decide instead to just go through the motions, or disengage completely as a parent.
Forget sending him articles. The goal is to have your husband bond with your son when you aren’t around as a safety net. Tell him that you’re stepping out for a few hours when he’s not working, so they can enjoy some father-son time together (don’t ask if it’s OK if you leave—tell him you’re leaving).
Then it’s up to your husband to figure out how they should enjoy their alone time. It doesn’t need to be a big production. They can play in the backyard, read stories, or go on a walk through the neighborhood. Any one-on-one time, really, will do the trick. When your son realizes that Mom isn’t around to “save” him, he’ll come around to realizing that Dad is a pretty cool parent, too. Obviously this assumes that your husband is fully on board as a compassionate and involved parent, and not a defeated dad who feels like his kid hates him. The good news is it only takes one smile or giggle from the kiddo, and your husband will be putty in his hands.
An additional bonus? This will also be a huge win for you: You can leave the chaos at home and recharge your depleted batteries.
—Doyin
More Advice From SlateMy husband and teen son were the best of friends, getting along so well I sometimes felt like the third wheel in their close relationship. However, they recently had a wrestling match, and my son has finally surpassed my husband in his strength. I feel like this has fundamentally shifted their relationship. What should I do?
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