Dear Care and Feeding: I Think My Shared Custody Situation Is Too Complex for COVID

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need some advice about COVID and blended families with custody agreements. I hope this isn’t too confusing and that you can help us. House 1 and House 2 share Kid 1. House 2 and House 3 share Kid 2. House 2 has primary custody of Kid 1 and Kid 2. Kid 1 and Kid 2 are doing remote learning at an attendance-limited day camp because the parents in House 2 are health care workers. The parent in House 3 is in law enforcement. Kid 1 switches between House 1 and House 2 every two weeks. Kid 2 is at House 3 on holidays, school breaks, and some weekends. House 1 and House 3 have never met.

So three households, two kids, and a pandemic with a two-week incubation period. None of the adults or children have had COVID. Do we continue with the visitation schedule at the risk of spreading COVID to all three houses? Do we discontinue visitation for an unknowable period of time at the risk of the mental health of all three houses? How do we reconcile the opinions of the adults in three households who presumably couldn’t get along enough to stay married?

—Masked Parent

Dear Masked Parent,

I spent quite a bit of time staring at this SAT problem before giving up. If none of the households quarantines in preparation for custody switches, there simply isn’t a solution that precludes the possibility that House 1 will end up with House 3’s germs.

As you mention, the emotional toll of discontinuing visits with Houses 1 and 3 may outweigh the increased COVID risk, but everyone’s opinions on that will vary. If all the adults can at least agree to abide by the same outside expert’s advice, you could put this problem to someone who can at least counsel you about how best to mitigate risk—a doctor, therapist, or mediator who’s familiar with everyone’s risk factors and the local rate of transmission.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m the parent of a 2-year-old in a wonderful day care. He’s thriving, everything is gravy. I just learned that they have an Elf on the Shelf tradition, which is fine. (Not a tradition I grew up with, and a little weird to me, but whatever.) My issue is that the name of this elf is Gypsy. I know that the language people use around the Romani/Traveller populations is one of the latest to draw widespread cultural attention, but it’s really hard for me to overlook something that trivializes a term that can be considered offensive to these marginalized and oppressed groups. I think the days of white people declining to have uncomfortable conversations about the language used around race just because we’re not personally affected by it are over. However, I also don’t want to be just another overly sensitive white parent killing the joy in traditions that my kiddo’s predominantly Black/Latinx/Asian/Pacific Islander caregivers enthusiastically share. Is there a respectful way to ask the day care providers to change the elf’s name? (In case you’re wondering, I hate the way this whole letter sounds.)

—Yet Another Clueless White Parent

Dear YACWP,

I think you just need to approach a conversation with your kid’s teachers in a spirit of mutual learning. Try something like: “Hey, I just found out that Romani people find the word gypsy offensive when it’s used by non-Romani people, which I’d had no idea about but here’s the article I read.” They still might find you fussy or just not care, but at least you won’t come off as an overly sensitive joy-killer. And as your kid gets older, it will get easier to find age-appropriate ways to discuss racism at home, too.

• If you missed Sunday’s Care and Feeding column, read it here.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the mother of 11-year-old twin boys, and lately an issue has come up that I’m not sure how to solve. With the ongoing pandemic and distance learning taking place at our school, Twin B has exchanged phone numbers with a group of boys from his class. The boys will do a group chat a few nights a week and play games online together, which I think is great, especially since Twin B has been a very quiet boy up until this point, and it’s nice to see him have a great time with these boys and really open himself up. The problem is, Twin A always asks his brother if he can join the group, and Twin B refuses to include him. Both twins know this group of boys very well, since they have all gone to the same school since kindergarten.

I have tried asking Twin B to include his brother in this group, saying Twin A feels left out and he wants to have fun too. A few times Twin B has let his brother join, after some convincing on my end, but he’s never happy about it and then he will turn against his brother in the game and try to get the other boys in the group to do the same. It breaks my heart to hear him turn against his brother like that. I feel bad for Twin A, and I have tried a few times to do something fun with him while his brother is playing, but it doesn’t seem to help. Twin A says it doesn’t bother him, but I can tell he is upset by it. I am torn because although I am happy that Twin B is really opening up with other people besides his family and doing something on his own, it is hard to see Twin A left out. I asked Twin A if there are any kids in his class that he can do the same thing with, but he keeps telling me no. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

—Torn Between Twins

Dear Torn,

It’s understandable that your twins would be chafing against each other after all this enforced time together. It’s natural and good for them to have their own separate friend groups and separate interests, and moments when one twin feels left out are inevitable. Right now, because of the pandemic, these moments are more noticeable than ever. That said, Twin B has been cruel to his brother. He is old enough to understand how painful it would be if the shoe were on the other foot, and he was excluded from a group chat and ganged up on in a game.

Maybe he can take a set amount of time off from the group game, framed more as a reset than a punishment. Talk to both twins about what’s going on, making sure to emphasize that you understand how much harder all of this is without being able to see friends in person. And then give them some space to figure it out among themselves, intervening only if the same pattern crops up again.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m in a complicated situation and hope you can help me. I’m a man engaged to another man, Paul. Paul has two daughters from his first marriage, ages 11 and 13. He adores them and recently won full custody from his ex after the kids phoned the police on her abusing them. He had been trying to get them out of there for a long time as he was scared she was mistreating them, but it wasn’t until we saw his eldest’s phone footage that we realized the extent of their mother’s abuse. The girls are currently staying with Paul’s mom but are moving states to be with us for Christmas (we’ve managed to work out safe transport and quarantine times). This will be the first time I’m meeting them in person.

Their mom banned Paul from introducing them to me for the last two years of our dating, and we went along with it for fear of her taking him to court again. (Her lawyer built a pretty homophobic case against him getting custody the first time.) I’ve talked to them over Zoom, and they seem like lovely girls, if chronically shy of me. I’ve been friendly and asked about their interests but always let Paul lead the chat. Truthfully, I’ve never spent much time around kids, and am incredibly anxious about how I’m going to handle their moving in with us. I have painful memories of my own parents’ split and the hostility and indifference I endured from my stepparents, and I have no desire to inflict a similarly stressful atmosphere on these girls. They’ve been through so much and I really want to make them feel welcome here but am terrified of screwing up.

Additional factor: I am financially better off than either of their parents, and Paul moved in with me partly because my house is big with plenty of spare room. The girls have expressed anxiety to Paul about moving into “my” house and “messing up his [my] nice stuff.” (I’m a musician with some expensive instruments around.) Can you advise on how best I should handle this whole situation? Any do’s and don’ts for how I should talk to these kids? I never pictured child care being part of my life until I met Paul, and I feel so unprepared!

—Wanting to Be a Good Stepparent

Dear Wanting,

You’re already off to a great start, and I think you’re going to be a wonderful stepdad to these girls. Once the girls move in and you’re busy handling the day-to-day challenges of caregiving, I’d wager that your anxiety will fade almost immediately. But for right now, some concrete tasks and research will help you quiet your mind. If you have the resources, why not throw yourself into some teen-proofing projects around the house? Cordon off an area that’s for your nice stuff and then see if you can make the rest of the house as welcoming to them as possible. I’m not expecting you to go full Martha Stewart, but you might show them some of your handiwork on your next video call, and ask for their input about where their stuff might go, and what kind of other stuff you might need to buy for them. They might not be interested in this at all, but if they are, follow their lead and get really into finding the perfect lamp on Etsy or a chair in their favorite color—whatever it is that exists at the place where your budget and their taste intersects.

Your lived experience of divorce and hostile stepparents is making this situation extra fraught for you, but it’s also what’s going to make you a valuable resource whom these kids will be lucky to have as an additional parent. Make sure you have the support you need, and good luck!

—Emily

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