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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am mom to a 4-year-old and 7-year-old twins. Before having kids, I earned a Ph.D. in literature, and after having kids I took on freelance writing jobs, and a few years after my youngest went to school, I took on a part-time job that I love.
My husband is the math/science person in the house, while I’m the reading/art person. I’m also the main caregiver. I mention my husband’s and my respective strengths because it’s clear my boys think my husband is “the smart one.” They have asked for help, then stopped and said, “I’ll ask Daddy. He’s smart,” or “He’ll know how to fix/do this,” even when it’s something I’ve fixed/done before.
Granted, my husband is very intelligent. But I’ve been trying to understand why the boys feel like I’m not. I can’t decide if it’s because people who do well in math and science are considered smarter by society at large, or if it’s a gender thing (boys see men as smarter), or if kids just look down on the parent who takes care of them.
I try not to let this bother me but sometimes I feel so frustrated that, with all that I’ve accomplished (my first book will be published soon; I’m often asked to write essays; I translate, etc.) my kids see me as nothing more than the woman who cooks for them and tells them what to do. I feel weird trying to tell them that I do know things and that some people value my knowledge and writing. Even when I tell them that, they either ignore me or don’t seem convinced. I know they love me, but I don’t feel like they really respect me as a thinking human being.
—Dr. Mom
Dear DM,
As someone who is terrible at math but still wants to believe myself bright, and as a parent whose humanity is mostly invisible to my kids, I understand your plight! People love to point out that kids can be so cruel, but it’s true, and further true that parents often bear the brunt of that.
Let’s begin by noting that your kids are still very young. It will be years before they can truly appreciate you as a human being distinct from them. That doesn’t compromise the nature or depth of their love for you of course; it’s just one of the peculiar traps of being a parent.
I think your frustration with your kids is understandable, and I wonder if it’s not exacerbated by having to balance a career you love with the role of primary caregiver. That is not an easy job, and the most that young kids can offer by way of thank you is the occasional snuggle. It’s easy to feel more like a machine for folding laundry and putting away Legos than a human being with a mind.
Insult to injury: Kids are often especially awed by the parent who is not the primary wiper of bottoms and maker of lunches. And I think that’s at play here more than your kids distinguishing between the nature of their dad’s intellect versus their mom’s.
You shouldn’t dismiss this; it’s hurtful! First off: patience. From the moment the kids start wrestling with writing reports to the point where they’re drafting college admissions essays, they’ll realize how skilled you are and how lucky they are to have access to your brain. For now, your boys are young enough that you should simply be clear with them. If they say, “I’ll ask Daddy, he’s smart,” you should say, “Mommy is smart too.” Not to be smug or chiding, but to clearly establish your authority and humanity. Certainly your husband respects your intellect; he should model that for the kids in what he says. You shouldn’t feel weird about teaching your kids to recognize that the woman who cares for them is a thinking and feeling human being; this is a valuable lesson to learn about not just their mother but every other person in the world.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
In 2017, my then boyfriend and I became unexpectedly pregnant. We kept the pregnancy quiet, as we knew it was high risk. We ended up having a late-term abortion due to our baby boy dying at 29 weeks, which was beyond heartbreaking. We broke up for good shortly after, although I would like to state he was an amazing partner throughout.
We are on friendly but distant terms. Last week was his birthday, so I reached out on social media to wish him well. Imagine my shock when I saw him and his now girlfriend got a dog—and gave it the same exact name as our deceased son!
It felt like someone punched me and then shoved me in cold water. We chose a name that has family significance for both of us, and a nickname we like. They refer to the dog by both names and as their new baby/son. The name isn’t uncommon, but it’s certainly not a typical pet name. I am so confused and saddened. I’m not sure what’s worse: If he doesn’t remember or doesn’t care! It seems cruel beyond measure to me, and I don’t know if I should reach out or try to ignore.
—What’s in a Name?
Dear WiaN,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Pain like that is so wily, able to find you even years on. I can understand why discovering your ex’s pet shares a name with your lost son would be hurtful and confusing.
But of course you don’t know the full story. They might have taken in a shelter dog who came with a name attached. His current partner might have chosen the name without knowing its meaning in his life, and he might have been reluctant to share this with her. Perhaps he chose the name and finds it a sweet tribute to a tough memory (baffling but possible!). Or yes, maybe he forgot this chapter in your shared life completely, which is hard to fathom but a remote possibility, too.
The truth is that it doesn’t matter. He was a good partner to you once, which is great, but he’s a distant friend at this point. If this is so hurtful to you that you need further distance, I think you should take that. Because I’m not sure digging into this further will ever satisfy you, since I’m guessing that what truly hurts is not this strange choice but the loss of your son. I’m sorry that this reminder plunges you back into grief. Just because this was a couple of years ago is no reason not to talk this out with a loved one or a professional; you deserve some comfort and peace. Good luck.
• If you missed Monday’s Care and Feeding column, read it here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We’ve been locked down for more than 40 days and our second grader hates online learning. My wife is working full time and I’m working part time. I’d like to throw in the towel and focus on doing a few hours a day of whatever educational-ish activities he’d like to do (cooking, piano, art, reading, gardening), but my wife is adamant we stay the course and do four-plus hours of e-learning per day regardless of the resulting massive fights. In fact, she’s screaming at him right now about a paragraph he simply refuses to write.
Most of our friends have given up on e-learning or dramatically cut back. Our principal emailed the entire school to let them know e-learning isn’t mandatory, as did our school board trustee. Personally, I think teachers know most kids are falling behind and will adjust in the fall. My wife thinks I’m being lazy but I just want calm in the house. What can I do to help her get over this and let the schoolwork slide?
—We Don’t Want No Education
Dear WDWNE,
What if all things are true? That your kid’s academic performance matters less than it might have because his future teachers understand all their pupils will have been through this tough period, and that you’re to some degree motivated by a desire for calm in the household.
As parent to an often intransigent second grader of my own, I understand well that sometimes you need to choose your battles. Home school—at least of the improvised sort that most parents are conducting now—is but a pale imitation of real school. It’s a full-time gig for the parents who choose it, which you did not. When you’re screaming at a kid to write a paragraph, no one is learning anything.
I’m firmly on your side here. There are many ways that your days together can be illuminating even if they’re not academic. Following a recipe teaches reading comprehension; measuring amounts teaches math. Writing the grocery list or postcards to family keeps writing skills sharp. Reading is valuable, even if you’re poring over a favorite graphic novel, and art and music are a balm in tough times. You’ve even got the chance to teach practical skills that help your kid learn self-sufficiency and earn some confidence (laundry folding, bed-making, dishwashing) that will also someday make him a superb romantic catch.
Even if you’re only lazily seeking calm, I wonder if you can’t persuade your wife that these things have real value as the two of you both try to balance your jobs and parenthood, and are facing possibly many more weeks of this new reality? Your educators have effectively sanctioned taking a bit of a break; I think you need to really plead your case to your wife and come to an agreement on how to provide your kid some education that doesn’t make everyone in the house miserable.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I had planned to add a cat to our family this spring after our (now canceled) trip to Disney World with our 5-year-old and 2-year-old daughters. Since we are stuck at home, to help make up for missing this vacation, we decided the time was right to adopt a cat. While my husband and I like cats, I was mostly motivated to get a pet for the benefit of our 5-year-old, Penny.
Three days after bringing the cat home, Penny began developing allergy symptoms—sneezing, runny nose, puffy eyes. She’s been taking Claritin for a few days and her symptoms have basically gone away, but I’m still on the fence about keeping the cat. My rational brain tells me to get rid of it now, before we get attached, because her allergies are likely to just get worse. But my emotional side is devastated about the prospect of taking yet another thing away from her in these hard times (did I mention that her fish died right after we began quarantine?).
Her pediatrician recommended that getting rid of the cat would be our safest option, but she also said that we could choose whatever worked best for our family. What would you do if you were in our shoes?
—Can Snowball Stay?
Dear CSS,
As someone terribly allergic to cats, I cannot comprehend how you would for even a moment entertain keeping this animal in your house. Feeling itchy and uncomfortable all the time is terrible; taking allergy medication constantly seems awful (not to mention expensive); keeping the house clean enough to mitigate Penny’s reaction seems impossible. You already have the opinion of your pediatrician. It’s sad that her fish died, and disappointing that you couldn’t get to Disney, but I fail to see how inflicting many years of sneezing and discomfort on your child is supposed to ameliorate that.
—Rumaan
More Advice From SlateI hate playing with my kids. They’re 3 and 6, and I find it torturous. They beg and beg till I give in, and within five minutes I’m snapping at them and having to use breathing exercises because I just want to scream and punch walls. Am I screwing them up for life if I don’t play with them?
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